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Ch125 - The Past (ii)
“I’m not very good at giving praise,” Gu Yan said abruptly.
The timbre of his voice was low and deep, and subtly husky.
It was clearly Yan Suizhi’s recollections, yet he seemed to have walked through them with him.
The twenty-year-old Yan Suizhi in his memory seemed to turn a bit shorter, his countenance more boyish, his build lanky, one unique to youths in midst of their growth spurts. He stood outside of the crowd, gentle and alone.
“Mm?” Yan Suizhi responded.
“I’m not very good at giving praise, but in the future, when you run into or do anything, no matter how interesting or uninteresting, kind-intentioned or disturbing, you can tell me.” Gu Yan’s voice was low and unhurried. “I’d like to hear it.”
That voice even caused a faint tremor to run through Yan Suizhi’s body, the aching and tender sensation surging like a tide and brimming over.
It was an unforgettable sensation, making one crave for more; that was what Yan Suizhi wholly felt around Gu Yan.
The way Gu Yan was now was impossible for people to reject—at least, he couldn’t, and it even stirred an impulse in him to reciprocate in kind.
Yan Suizhi suddenly released a soft sigh, his body slowly relaxing.
For a moment, he shut his eyes, feeling as though he had returned to himself from over twenty years ago, when he was still living in his childhood home, the days unhurriedly passing him by. He languidly leaned against the windowsill, and as he sketched, he said half-genuinely to someone in the room, “In the last couple of days, I ran into a bit of trouble
”
It was bizarre. In this brief fantasy, the person listening to his complaints in the room was Gu Yan.
Yet, he didn’t find anything off about that.
In the distance, a car sped by on the hover road, its headlights washing the room in luminance, only to abruptly fade away again.
Gu Yan felt the chin pressing against his shoulder move, as though in a slight nod. Thereafter, Yan Suizhi hummed in assent.
Another moment later, as if in testament to this response, Yan Suizhi spoke, “I know that you’re very curious about that
 medical case. Actually, you don’t have to tread so carefully. It isn’t something that cannot be brought up. I just don’t know where to begin.”
Before, Gu Yan was still somewhat unaware of the back story, but after hearing Yan Suizhi talk about the reason behind his parents’ passing, he suddenly glimpsed the surface.
Yan Suizhi’s parents had died because of gene surgery, and that case was associated with gene surgery as well.
Gu Yan said quietly, “That defendant
”
His tone carried slight hesitance, but Yan Suizhi took over, uttering a soft “ah”, like he had finally found a place to start. “That defendant, my client, Bill Lu
 he was involved in my parents’ surgery.
That was the irony in life, sometimes. He took over a decade to suppress the doubts in his heart to carry out his parent’s last wishes.
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He hoped that the defendant would be put behind bars. He hoped that the man would experience what all of his victims had suffered, that the man would find out what it felt like to walk alone and empty for ten years. He hoped that life would be taken to recompense a life.
He even wanted to travel to the cemetery on Helan to tell those who lay there slumbering, “You see, my suspicions back then weren’t ungrounded. Shouldn’t you get up and apologise for lecturing me on a whole bunch of drivel? Even if it’s a decade too late, that’s fine. I’m a forgiving man; I’ll take it.”
It was a pity that they couldn’t actually hear him, nor could they fulfil his wishes for them to get up and pull him into an embrace, smiling as they apologised.
“In the first few days that I received the case, I could barely settle down to study the case file,” Yan Suizhi laughed softly in self-derision. “That was probably the one time that I was the least calm and collected. Later, I was finally able to process some information, only to find that there were holes in the prosecution’s evidence.”
Very subtle details that, mayhaps in a carelessly tried case, would have been missed by all.
But he saw them. And once he did, he couldn’t ignore them.
Everyone following the case, including himself, believed that Bill Lu was guilty.
But the holes existed. Even if the holes were due to oversights on the part of the prosecution, it implied that there was a one in a million chance that Bill Lu was not guilty.
And as long as there existed this possibility—he, as a defence lawyer, should defend him.
During those days, Yan Suizhi shut himself in his bedroom, sitting in darkness for a long time.
“I actually had many vicious thoughts. I could deliberately ignore those holes, even using verbal traps to ensure that no one else would find them, or go around in circles in court, and induce witnesses to unwittingly give false testimony, filling in those holes. If I wanted to, there were actually many ways for me to nail the defendant to the dock.” Yan Suizhi paused, and he smiled vaguely again, saying in a low voice, “Isn’t that disturbing? In fact, I’m already embellishing it significantly. I’m finding that
 even if I am being honest with you, I’m unable to tell you the more sinister side of it.”
“My head was almost always churning at that time, hatching countless plans. But
” Yan Suizhi softly sighed.
Gu Yan could feel the corners of his lips tugging, as though still trying to hold onto normalcy, to say the words unaffected, even with the touch of a smile. But his lips slowly flattened back down. “That shouldn’t be what they want to see
”
“You see? I’m hopeless when it comes to my parents. It’s clearly been more than a decade, yet I still don’t want them to see this
”
He suddenly quietened again, and after a prolonged silence, huffed in laughter, whispering, “Just as if they can still see me.”
He actually
 never believed himself to be a good person.
However, in that fleeting yet forever-long decade, he attempted to live in accordance with his parents’ wishes, not to overstep, not to wallow on the meaningless. He funded welfare institutions and orphanages, helped those he could, upholding some justice that was perhaps of no consequence.
Then, he suddenly discovered that, unwittingly, all of these were already etched in his flesh and blood.
This was probably what his parents had left him, and what he could never shed in this lifetime.
“After secluding myself in my house for three days, I finally decided to make a not guilty plea,” Yan Suizhi said.
He made the decision, yet it didn’t bring him joy.
Because he would be sending Bill Lu out of the courthouse.
“At that time, I was having some unusual thoughts, not wanting myself to live too happily, hoping that people would tell me off. Take it as
 venting vicariously.” Yan Suizhi chortled again. “I can’t pinpoint what kind of psychology that was.”
So, his attitude then was especially brusque, saying all sorts of contemptible words to the public, blunt and sharp, like an arrogant pettifogger who only cared about money and the outcome, disregarding justice.
Afterwards, as he wished, at his lowest, almost everyone was denouncing him, heaping verbal punishments on him, even including instances of deliberate injury.
It was unbearable to imagine that past.
Gu Yan didn’t wish him to recall it in detail, either.
“I came across an unpublished article that stated you went to the trial when Bill Lu was charged again.” Gu Yan diverted the subject in a low voice.
Yan Suizhi, “Mm.”
Bill Lu was later implicated in another case. By that time, Yan Suizhi had been investigating him for a while, and sent an anonymous tip to the police.
This time, the scale of the case was bigger and the evidence was more complete.
“During that period, I looked into many things involving him, but was unfortunately still unable to find direct evidence linking him to my parent’s deaths. But the verdict of that case wasn’t bad. A life for a life. To the plaintiff, it could be viewed as an acceptable outcome,” Yan Suizhi said.
That day, he went alone, entered silently once trial commenced, sat in the last row, listened to each charge hold ground, and then left, also in silence.
That was the day of his twenty-seventh birthday.
He could still remember the birthdays of his adolescence, when that beautiful and gentle lady carried a dynamic camera into the yard, teasing him with a radiant smile on her face, the hibiscus branch he was painting swaying softly in the breeze. It was as vivid as if it had happened mere moments ago.
However, he had walked alone for twelve years.
Twelve years seemed short, over in the blink of an eye.
Yet, at times, it also seemed exceptionally long.
“I would sometimes wonder how great it would be if only I had found more evidence. Maybe my parents would’ve been able to rest in peace from that trial, too.” Yan Suizhi was quiet for a moment before saying, “But that’s actually a fallacy as well, because the defendant paid a life for a life. The rest was, in truth, for me. They had been long dormant under the gravestone, so how could they have seen this?”
It suddenly dawned on Gu Yan why Yan Suizhi was always washing his hands.
It was similar to the time that he was the most depressed, deliberately inciting people’s rage.
He had been on his own for too many years and was used to shouldering every problem himself. When the situation was less than satisfactory, he would feel self-loathing; he would be the first before anyone else to nail himself to the dock, accusing and sentencing himself.
But no matter what sentence he bore, he would always stand with his back straight, for the road was still long. He still had to keep walking it alone for very, very long

The room was blanketed in silence. After considerable time, Yan Suizhi heard Gu Yan say, sounding stifled, “At least I can see it.”
He was briefly startled. He pulled back slightly and saw Gu Yan’s eyes misted with a bright sheen under the dim light of night, gazing deeply at him.
Then, he felt his hands being held. The vestiges of water from the earlier washing had since vanished, and his hands, despite also being dyed with the warmth of Gu Yan’s body, were still colder than Gu Yan’s palms.
He saw Gu Yan lower his lashes, bowing his head slightly to kiss his index finger

After that, his middle finger, his ring finger, and his little finger

Gu Yan kissed them one by one, and with each touch, Yan Suizhi’s heart would abruptly soften—by the end, softening into mush.
He crooked a finger, telling Gu Yan, “Lift your head.”
Yan Suizhi leaned in to kiss his chin; after that, the corner of his lips, and finally, pressing a kiss to his lips.
The night was gentle and deep, and time glided by like water.
The birthday blessings from days bygone echoed in his head for the umpteenth time: We hope that you will remain forever carefree, that you will never have to endure any suffering, that you won’t have to hurry to grow up, that you won’t have to understand those complicated and contradictory things, nor make any vexing choices

With his eyes shut, Yan Suizhi kissed Gu Yan, and after twenty-eight years, was finally able to give a response:
I’m sorry. Of those that you’ve hoped for, I don’t seem to have been able to complete even one. Fortunately, I was lucky enough to meet someone.
So, don’t worry. We’ll live well.