CH 12

Content warning: mentions suicide

“—Yuto, Yuto.”

Yuto regained consciousness as he felt someone lightly slapping his cheek. He opened his eyes to see Dick worriedly peering into his face.

“Are you alright?” Dick asked.

“…What happened?” Yuto asked as he gazed absently at Dick’s face, unable to grasp what was going on.

“You passed out. I’m sorry for pushing you like that.” Dick looked thoroughly dejected as he kissed Yuto on the forehead.

“Oh, that’s what happened. But it’s not your fault, Dick. I egged you on.”

“Even so, I was an idiot for getting carried away. I can’t believe I couldn’t control myself.”

It was so endearing to see Dick look genuinely sad that it filled Yuto with a bittersweet feeling. He lifted his tired arms and cradled Dick’s head to his chest.

“I was happy, though. For you to lose yourself in me like that.”

“Let me make it up to you,” Dick said as he nuzzled Yuto’s neck.

“Make it up to me?”

“Yeah. You didn’t get to come. I’ll be gentle this time. —Can I?”

There was no reason to refuse his suggestion for a second round. Just as Yuto was about to smile and nod, he was interrupted by a cell phone ringing.

“That’s me,” Dick said, getting up and grabbing the cell phone placed on the writing desk.

“Hey, Jessica?”

The single phrase was enough to make Yuto tense up.

“Ah, no. —Is that so? Alright. Thanks. I’ll see you later.”

Dick’s expression was rigid as he hung up the phone. Yuto instinctively knew. The time had come for them to return to reality. The show was over. The curtain was coming down on their blissful night.

“Yuto.”

“I know.” Yuto got up and off the bed. “Do I at least have time to take a shower?”

“Yeah. —Yuto, I’m sorry. Jessica said she’s at the bar drinking with Egan, and wants to know if I’d like to join them.”

Dick’s target was Egan. There was no way he would pass up a chance to get close with him.

“No need to explain. I’ll be out in five minutes.” Yuto headed straight to the shower naked, and let the hot stream of water wash away the remnants of their intimacy.

He knew he was supposed to be feeling sad, but his heart felt numb and empty. He mechanically dried himself off and returned to the room, where Dick was already dressed and waiting, sitting on the edge of the bed. He had hung Yuto’s suit on a hanger.

Once Yuto was dressed and ready, they left the room together. A heavy air fell over them, and both of them avoided looking each other in the eye.

“I’m going up. You get on the elevator first,” Dick said as he pressed the elevator button. Yuto got on the elevator going down, and pressed the button for the first floor.

Was this really the end? Was this it?

Just as the door was about to close, Yuto found himself pushing the open button. He didn’t want them to part like this. He was overcome with the impulse to say something.

The door opened again, and the two men looked at each other from inside and outside the elevator.

“Dick. If I told you I’d quit the FBI and help you instead, what would you say?”

Dick stood still, wearing an inscrutable expression. Yuto also stood perfectly still as he waited for an answer.

Yuto himself hadn’t expected to blurt the words that came out of his mouth. But if Dick were in fact willing, he genuinely wouldn’t mind putting his life in Dick’s hands. If Dick would live alongside him, he’d be willing throwing everything away.

“You wouldn’t be able to,” Dick said, smiling wanly. There was a hint of sadness in his smile. “You wouldn’t be able to live like me.”

“That’s not true. If it’s what you want, I’d do anything—”

Dick stepped forward and stroked Yuto lovingly on the cheek.

“You’re not that kind of man,” he said. “If you were the type to be able to live selfishly, you would have come along when I invited you to escape with me from prison.”

“Dick…”

“You’re not the type to be alright with something that’s wrong, and you also have your sense of dignity as an agent. Sure, I might have been the reason for you joining the FBI, but you can’t abandon your mission now, can you? You always want to do what’s right as a man, and as a human. And I really respect you for that. There’s no reason for you to throw any of that away for someone like me.”

“But Dick, I— I—” Yuto’s words became choppy as his throat closed up. He clasped his hand around Dick’s, which was still touching his cheek.

Just then, they heard a group of people coming down the hall.

“There’s people coming. Go on now.” Dick nodded shortly and stepped away from Yuto. “From now on, you and I are enemies,” he declared with clear eyes.

“Dick…”

“We’re after the same target, but with different intentions. What did you expect? But we’re enemies only for the purposes of our work. There’s no need for you and I to hate each other personally.”

His bland, clinical tone pained Yuto. He even felt like he would have preferred Dick to say that he hated him. Yuto felt complete defeat as he let go of the elevator open button.

The door closed slowly, hiding Dick from his view.

“…gh…!”

Yuto banged the wall of the elevator as it glided downward, pressing his hand forcefully against his mouth. Otherwise, he felt like he would scream.

Inside the cramped box, the air was punctuated by quiet sobs that went unheard.

Back at his hotel, Yuto stepped by the front desk, who told him that they had given the key to his roommate. That was how he knew that Rob was already back.

Yuto stopped by the restroom in the lobby to check his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were a little red, but he felt like he looked normal enough. He headed up to his room.

When he knocked on the door, he was greeted by Rob, who was in a button-up shirt but had taken off his tie.

“Welcome back. You were out, huh?”

“Yeah. You’re back early, Rob. I thought you’d be out late.”

“I saw my chance and ducked out. If I stayed with them for the whole thing, I wouldn’t be back ‘til morning.”

Yuto put his jacket on a hanger and sat down on the bed. Rob, for some reason, was leaning against the wall with his arms folded, looking at him.

“What?” Yuto asked.

“Nothing. Just think you look tired.”

“Do I?” Yuto smiled wryly and stroked his face with his right hand. Rob walked up and sat down beside him on the bed.

“You were able to see Dick, weren’t you?”

Yuto’s shoulder’s shook as he felt his heart contract.

“That guy we met today – Steve Muller – he was the Dick you were looking for, right?”

“How could you tell?” Yuto gave Rob a stunned look, clenching his hand as if to hide his anxiety.

“I had a feeling from the way you were looking at him. You looked like you’d come across your long-lost twin brother, or something. So? Were you able to see him and confirm your feelings?”

“Rob…”

Yuto found himself crumbling at Rob’s kind tone – consoling, never accusatory. Maybe he was relieved that he didn’t have to put on a face in front of Rob, who already knew everything.

“What’s wrong? You look like you’re about to cry. Did Dick turn you away?”

“No, it’s not that. He rejected me at first, but that was because it was hard for Dick, too — because he felt the same way about me, and once I was able to see that, I—”

Yuto was stumbling over his words. He still hadn’t fully digested what had happened tonight. Rob gently rubbed him on the back as if to try to calm his agitation.

“Take it slow. Don’t worry about trying to find the right words.”

Gradually Yuto began to calm down, and he took a deep breath. Perhaps talking about it would help him sort his feelings out. With that thought, he began to tell Rob about the feelings he had reconfirmed for Dick.

“Once he was in front of me, my mind went blank. I wasn’t misunderstanding anything, and I wasn’t under the wrong impression. I knew – and I know – that I love Dick.”

“If that’s the conclusion you’ve come to, then I won’t say anything more.”

Rob reached out and stroked Yuto’s damp hair.

“You took a shower over there, which means you must have shared a nice moment with him.”

“But I think it’s made me feel worse. Even though we know that we love each other, there’s nothing we can do about our relationship. I’m trying to arrest Corvus, and Dick is trying to kill him. We might as well be enemies.”

Rob gazed fixedly at Yuto’s profile, changing his tone.

“You know that I think, Yuto?” he said. “I think you’re stuck in limbo right now.”

“What…?”

“I think it’s a good opportunity, so I’m going to be completely honest with you. You might not like what you hear. Is that alright?”

Yuto nodded. He wanted to know what Rob had to say. He didn’t mind if it was a bitter pill to swallow.

“You joined the FBI out of a desire to see Dick again. Of course, that doesn’t mean you haven’t been taking your job seriously. I know that you’re serious about the investigation. But is there a part of you that doesn’t want to get in Dick’s way?”

“I…”

“You have too much sympathy for Dick, and you’re letting his feelings influence you. I can understand why Dick wants to avenge the person who killed his friends. But you’re an FBI agent now, Yuto. You can’t acknowledge a murder, no matter the reason behind it. You can’t wholly and unconditionally accept what Dick is trying to do.”

Yuto shook his head in confusion.

“I’m not unconditionally accepting what he’s doing. I just understand the anger he’s feeling—”

“You can understand, but you can never let yourself sympathize. You have to go in there with full intentions to stop Dick from getting his revenge. If not, you’ll always be wavering and on the fence. You’ll always be torn between your personal position and your position as an agent.”

Rob was right. Yuto had always known this inside, but had been averting his eyes from the reality of it.

If he found and arrested Corvus first, it would mean getting in Dick’s way. But, in a sort of excuse, he had always told himself that he wasn’t arresting Corvus for the purpose of hindering Dick’s revenge – it was simply a result of his actions.

“You achieved your initial goal to reunite with Dick. Now, you have to go back and reflect on your purpose of continuing the investigation and your mindset towards it. If you don’t get to the root of it, it’ll come back and haunt you later.”

As Yuto lapsed into thought, Rob stood up.

“I’m going to take a shower,” he said. Once left alone, Yuto continued to think as he repeated Rob’s words in his head.

His initial reason for joining the FBI was personal. But the more he progressed in his investigation, the more he began to want to corner and arrest Corvus at all costs. Rob was right – it would be dangerous to continue investigating without properly separating his personal self and his self as an agent.

Even after Rob went to bed, Yuto sat on his own bed in the darkened room, deep in introspection.

He had always wanted to be the person who understood Dick better than anyone else. But he couldn’t rule out that a part of him was selfish, and was afraid of being disliked by Dick. He didn’t want Dick to hate him, or find him bothersome. Those feelings had been dragging him down all this time.

Although Yuto had no intention of saying that murder was acceptable, somewhere in his heart, he had wanted to help Dick fulfil his wish. He had always thought he had no right to interfere with Dick’s earnest mission – something to which the man had dedicated every fiber of his being.

Was wishing for Dick’s happiness really the same as accepting his revenge? Would Dick really find happiness by killing Corvus?

No doubt, Dick would probably feel a moment of deep satisfaction once he had taken Corvus’ last breath from him. Perhaps he would feel exhilarated with a sense of accomplishment, and rejoice at having settled the score for the fellow men he had lost.

But that happiness would not last long. Dick himself was probably aware. Dick was by no means roving blindly in anger. He was calm, controlled, and brisk in his chase for Corvus. He was bound to have predicted the kind of future that awaited him.

He would lose his reason to live the moment he took Corvus’ life.

Lose his reason to live?

Yuto found himself clutching his own shoulders, feeling a horror race through him.

Usually, people didn’t need a reason to live. No one lived each day with a purpose. They simply went about their day-to-day tasks because they were alive. No one questioned it, because it was perfectly normal. But Dick needed a reason to live.

Yuto thought about the darkness in Dick’s heart. The man had seen his lover and friends taken before his eyes, because Corvus, in his lowly way, had set a bomb and blown the entire building up.

Dick had been brought up as an orphan, and after a lonely life, had finally found friends that he could call family. He also had a kind, older partner who taught him how to love.

In an instant, those precious people had turned into mere pieces of flesh, never to speak a word again. What had he thought as he watched the horrific scene before him? What had gone through his mind as he saw the crimson blood of his loved ones?

—I wish I could have died with you.

Dick’s words materialized in Yuto’s mind.

Perhaps the biggest source of Dick’s suffering was the fact that he was the only survivor. He was only able to carry on living by dedicating his life to revenge.

If that was the case, it was possible that Dick would take his own life after killing Corvus. Perhaps he would feel relief at accomplishing his mission, and would attempt to join his friends on the other side.

Although it was merely speculation, it was certainly plausible. Yuto had a feeling that for Dick, his current life was merely a period of postponement until his execution.

Corvus was not the only one immersed in a deep darkness – for Dick, it was the same.

Beyond the curtains, the sky was starting to lighten outside. A new morning was coming.

Night would always turn to morning as long as you were alive; yet, the light never reached Dick’s heart. The man had turned away from the light and was struggling and suffering in darkness.

Yuto got up from the bed and stood by the window. He cracked open the curtain and looked up at the powdery purple sky of dawn. It was beautiful, and his soul felt cleansed by it, as if all the filth was being washed away.

The morning sun rose through the gaps in the buildings, and its newly-born rays shone on Yuto. If only this light would reach Dick’s heart, Yuto prayed as he pressed his forehead against the glass.

Yuto narrowed his eyes as he solemnly witnessed the start of a new day.