The air’s getting warmer, and when I breath there’s no white air coming out anymore.
Misaki is at nursery school right now.
And since I got nothing special to do, I’m staring at the ceiling alone in the room right now.
Not long before, if I have some time I’ll do something. But right now, I don’t feel like doing anything at all. Maybe it’s because I already felt like I’ve achieved something, that’s why I’m feeling lazy now. And while, I’m organizing these unknown emotions of me, I started thinking about the future.
A lot has happened, and the lolicon employed me.
I don’t know if describing it like this would cause any misunderstanding or not but, in short I got employed unofficially by a suspicious microenterprise.
I got the details from him in the public bathhouse.
Instead of having fixed working hours, the amount of your salary is depending on your work achievements. As for what I have to do, mainly it’s system development. It’s a work that overexploits its employees so much that any decent company would cry for help, and all of that is managed only by two people or so it seems.
As for their expense, there’s only transportation and electricity expense.
And all that’s leftover are profits, so it seems like they’ve been rolling in a ton of money.
As for my pay, I’ll receive it for one entire year. And if I didn’t become a capable person by the end of that period the contract would come to an end. The amount I got paid, is exactly 200,000 yen after paying all taxes.
Well, when I heard the word 200,000 yen I remembered something that I don’t like.
I’ve almost forgotten about it but, tomorrow is the welfare payment day.
I slowly get my body up, and reach for my wallet.
And since I usually don’t deposit my money in the bank, there’s a lot of Yukichi (10,000 yen) left in the wallet.
Just a few months before, I’d only have some coins left in the wallet.
I don’t know whether this is because I didn’t waste money on stupid things, or it’s because I worked hard at the part-time job.
In any case, I’m slightly wealthy now.
What should I buy for Misaki.
Well what would be good I wonder.
After thinking for a while, I shook my head.
Money is necessary to raise Misaki properly.
And to achieve that objective, getting my hands on anything I can grab on would be the correct choice.
But, I’ve already decided that I’ll be a good parent.
And for a good parent, to continue receiving such a dishonest payment, is utterly ridiculous.
I’ve decided.
I’ll go to the city hall.
After I’ve arrived, I immediately head toward the information counter.
“Excuse me, I’d like to ask about Livelihood Protection Welfare.”
“Certainly. Please proceed to the window counter number 7.”
And so I walked to the number 7 window counter.
“―― You’d like to suspend your welfare correct? Ummm, do you have driving license or something similar?”
“No.”
“……Then, may I ask for your name please.”
The staff smiles bitterly.
Oi oi are you okay like this, if you’re already tired from interacting with this degree of customer, then you can’t get a job at a diner you know?
And while I silently flexing on her in my heart, I tell my name.
“Tendou-san is it. Please wait for…… Eh, Tendou Ryuusei-san is that correct?”
“……What is it?”
“Ah, no, Excuse me. Ummm…… Just a moment please.”
And with her strange attitude, she left the seat behind her counter.
I knitted my eyebrows together wondering what was that just now while waiting, and eventually another staff appeared.
“Good afternoon. We’ll change the person in charge from now on if that’s okay with you.”
“……Yes.”
This staff is quite old.
I don’t know why he’s nervous, but I can clearly see from his stiff expression.
And while I was having questions, he spoke the next words.
“You said that you wish to suspend your livelihood protection welfare today…… May I inquire about the reasons?”
“It’s for my daughter.”
“You daughter? In that case, wouldn’t you rather need money?”
“I’ve no trouble financially. That’s why, I’d like to suspend it.”
“…………”
The elder staff, his eyes become round in surprise, and his mouth is also round as well. It’s as if he’s seeing some kind of exotic creature.
I’m no extinct animal or anything you know. And while I’m intimidating him in my heart, the elder staff, suddenly smiled softly.
“Well then, there’s various procedure needed to be perform before proceeding…… Oh that’s right, tomorrow is weekend right. Could you please come here again tomorrow, together with your daughter?”
“I’ve no problem.”
“Thank you very much. How does six in the evening sounds? Is the time convenient for you?”
“So I’ve to come here six in the evening, is that right?”
“Yes, Please come to the city hall by that time.”
……Satuday evening?
The city hall, would be empty by that time?
“I understand.”
Well, if the staff say so I’ll do what they says.
＊
Next morning.
Right now, I’m at the local park together with Misaki.
It’s not like we come here to play anything. It’s just a daily routine.
“Listen up Misaki, I know I said this a lot but brushing your teeth is very important.”
“……Un.”
With a pink toothbrush in her tiny hand, Misaki’s brushing her teeth.
The shabby apartment I lives in didn’t have water line. That’s why, we’ve to come to the local park when we need to go to the toilet or washing our faces or literally anything.
“Oh yeah Misaki. Tonight, we’ve to go outside.”
“……Fufuhohe?”
“No don’t do that, don’t talk while you’re brushing.”
“……Un..
Kucha Kucha, Peh! (Washing teeth with water and spit it out sfx.)
“When we’re done we’re going to eat. Today is going to be a bit special. What would you want?”
“Gyudon.”
“Well, of course you’d only know that…… How does sushi sounds? We’re going for a spin.”
“Spin?”
Misaki thought of the food that spins around her head once she ate it.
“……Difficult.”
“Well once we get there you’d understand it. Look forward to it.”
“……Un.”
Misaki’s expression shines a little bit.
Well it’s the usual subtle change on her face, but once you get used to it you’ll see various of expressions from Misaki. Very cute.
“Do you know what sushi is?”
Misaki shakes her head.
“What about the egg one?”
“……Un.”
“And shrimp?”
“……An arthropod?”
No good, I don’t understand her.
“Ohh, You know a lot Misaki. Great job.”
I praised her but that wasn’t an honest one.
Misaki seems to be proud of it.
By the way, how did she even come up with arthropod as an answer? Did she read it from a book?
She’s a five years old that never saw a real shrimp, but still knows the scientific name of it. And that’s Misaki. A real genius.
“I’m sure, that Misaki would become a great person in the future.”
“……Un?”
Misaki is making a puzzled face.
And while I’m looking at her tilting her head, secretly inside my heart I’m feeling pressured.
Since I’ve met Misaki I’ve overworked myself many times.
A lot of things has passed rapidly and I’ve even managed to get a job.
And right now, I’ve already lost my current objective.
From now onward, I’ve to work hard so that I won’t get fired…… and I’m worried that if that’s good enough yet or not.
Just what a good parent is like, I wonder.
For example, it’s financial power. It’s a parent that didn’t have to bring their kids to the local park everyday just to brush their teeth.
Lives in a normal house, working normally, the kids didn’t have anything to worry, for example――
“Ah, Tendou-san. Good morning.”
“Ahh, morning.”
The ero manga artist-san suddenly appeared with a jersey outfit.
And she too, comes here to use the local park.
“Misaki-chan good morning to you too.”
“……Morn.”
“Fuhihi, the water is cold today too.”
“……Un.”
A good parent, would be this person…… no it’s not.
This person is not. I don’t know why but I felt that way.
“Ummm, what’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.”
I spread both of my hands wide, and tried to bluff it out.
The ero manga artist-san who never in her wildest dream would think that someone is thinking badly of her, starts washing her face.
Misaki quickly moves backward.
Perhaps she’s avoiding the splashing water.
The ero manga artist-san is washing her face properly but, with Misaki’s height it’s hard for her to dodge the water bullets.
“……Let’s get back then.”
I call out to Misaki.
Misaki nods obediently.
“We’ll go back first.”
“Yes. We’ll meet again at night.”
I give my farewell to the ero manga artist-san, and get back home.
Misaki’s walking a little bit behind me.
It’s the same feeling of being distant.
It’s the same feeling when I walked outside together with Misaki for the first time.
I’ll get worried now and then and I’ll look back, and what I’ll see is, Misaki lifting her face up as if asking what’s wrong. I know that Misaki’s a good kid that wouldn’t go missing.
But as to not let my guard down, I listen closely to the sound of those little steps. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve lived at the bottom of society for so long that I’m skillful at detecting anything dangerous but, I’m very sensitive of those little steps’s sound.
Misaki is, moving her little legs desperately, and is walking behind me. So I slow down my pace as to not make her tired, but it’s difficult as the length of our steps are too different.
If we hold hands it’ll all be fine.
I’m sure that normal parents and kids, would hold their hands.
But I, didn’t reach my hands out to Misaki at all.
And Misaki didn’t try to grab my hand at all.
Normally, in this situation it’d be that the kids is acting spoiled with their parents. But as for Misaki, she never act spoiled to me. Well that’s maybe because she’s still cautious of me…… but, it might also be because I’m a pathetic adult too.
Well, I’m a man that depreciate himself given chance after all.
Really puny. I really think that I’m a puny human.
……It’s only my body, that’s big.
After we got back home.
I keep watching Misaki doing her math workbook as usual. That little book, it changed into the one that’s for the third grade kids before you noticed it.
Misaki’s progressing forward.
And her steps, is much faster than mine.
＊
I’ve arrived at the city hall.
Unnecessarily luxurious exterior. A well-cared bonsai, pond and fountain.
A building that daringly uses the taxes from citizen is ――
“It’s closed isn’t it.”
As I thought, is closed.
I look back at the clock atop the fountain, right now is 5.50 pm.
I’ve arrived ten minutes before the time.
It’s not my fault. It’s the city hall’s fault.
Yesterday, the question I had was exactly this.
I’ve never seen this city hall open in the saturday afternoon before.
Even so I trusted the words of that staff so here I am but……
That old man, did he perhaps forgot that today is saturday?
“……Un?”
What’s wrong? Misaki tilted her head as if to ask that.
“Sorry, wait here together with me for a bit alright.”
“……Un.”
Misaki nods, and suddenly pulled on my clothes.
“What is it?”
Instead of replying Misaki raise her hand up, and is pointing to something.
I thought that maybe there’s something happening so I turned around to see what it is.
And right there, there’s a woman standing.
“…………”
A woman in a suit that seems to be expensive.
She had a slighty dark makeup, is it for hiding her wrinkles I wonder.
As for her age, I’m sure that she’s at least twice of mine.
It’s just like, the difference between me and Misaki’s age.
She is, holding a suitcase in one hand and stretching her back.
When I look closely I saw that her shoulders are moving up and down, it was as if she was exercising just immediately before.
“……Are you kidding me?”
She’s looking at me with a serious expression.
I remember that appearance. I, I know that person.
“Ryo-kun?”
Misaki said in a worried voice.
So it seems like right now, I’m making an expression that really make her worried.
I’m, staring at the woman silently.
And she also, didn’t says anything either and just looked at me.
The breeze is shaking the grass.
It has been shaking, since I entered this place today.
The car is making a noise.
It has been making a noise, since I entered this place today.
And then, the sound in my heart rings in my ears.
Even though it’s a faint sound, but it’s enough to trembles me.
“……Misaki, let’s go.”
I diverted my eyes from the woman, and pulled Misaki’s hand.
Misaki is surprised and is shaking her hand, and starts walking as if she’s going to fall. Well it’s more like, she’s being pulled.
I, I know that woman.
The reason that she’s here, I know it immediately.
……Fuck off would you.
But still, I can’t accept this.
This is unacceptable no matter what.
Such an absurd story, is surely impossible.
That’s why I, walk passed by her side along with Misaki.
“Hold on.”
It’s, a really feeble voice..
But that voice keeps ringing in my ears, and it has enough power to stop my legs. No, it might be the opposite. It’s perhaps that, me right now don’t even have enough power, to ignore that voice.
“……Please wait, for a moment.”
I turned around.
And once again, our eyes met.
After a long silence, the one to speak first was her.
“I’m sorry.”
That, it was such a nostalgic voice.
It’s was my mother voice, that I’ve not heard since I graduated from elementary school.
“……Just why.”
I had so many question inside me but, I can only mutter out a few words.
My emotions are really messed up. Countless thoughts in my head just suddenly disappeared, I can’t process anything at all. I feel like vomiting, as if I was drunk.
“You’re regretting it now yeah……?”
She’s the one, who abandoned me.
I get out from that coffin-like house, and started living as I pleased.
At that time, I’ve met a useful man. That guy recommended me to apply for Livelihood protection welfare, and so I did and got accepted.
There’s no inspection or screening whatsoever.
There’s an exact amount being given to me every month without fail, It didn’t even got suspected as a fraud and there’s no investigator coming to have a talk with me either.
The amount of Livelihood protection welfare is always fluctuating. But the amount that I receive, is always exactly 200,000 yen. It never changes, for years it has always been the same amount.
Why?
For the answer, it’s right here in front of me.
“……This is fucking ridiculous.”
The words I spew out just now, isn’t aimed at anyone in particular.
I’m upset. I’m very upset in fact. I’m calm enough to know myself that much.
“Just what, what do you want to do?”
My breathing is calm. I can’t feel any heat, from the burning anger too.
“……The reason, as why I’m here, I’m sure you already know it.”
Her voice, was really shaken up.
My eyes start tearing up on its own from the overbearing emotions.
I’ll never forgive her.
When seeing such a selfish person it made my body heating up.
But my emotions that dwell within didn’t expload.
I can’t utter any single word, only standing there petrified like a statue.
“……I’m sorry.”
Again, she apologized.
“Just shut up please.”
And, I rejected her apology.
“That’s all you’ve to say?”
My words didn’t came out very well.
“You came here all the way, only just to apologize to me?”
I don’t even know what I want to say anymore.
There’s one side of me that’s trying to be understandable and other that’s trying to refuse it.
“Deliberately hiring people to just, just to pass the money over to me…… just why, just why the hell did you do that!”
This is just a kid’s nonsense.
I don’t have any grudges against her. It has been over ten years already since the incident. The reason she decided to abandon a good-for-nothing kid, I’m sure she has one. It’s just simple as that.
Tendou family, that’s the surname of a famous wealthy household. They’re rich, A winner in life. They’re such a incredible existence, that normal civilians would look up to them in admiration.
A good parent, just what does it mean I wonder.
When I asked myself that question, the only thing that popped up in my head, even though I don’t want to admit it, but it’s my parents.
Tendou family has the authority power. So in a sense, they can’t do pretty much anything. And with that power, they can give anything their children wants.
With no doubt, they’re the ideal existence.
It’s the ideal adult that I dreamt of.
And yet――
“So this is how you do it, this is your way to raise your kid?”
Compared to a scumbag at the bottom of the society like me, and the existence in front of my eyes, is as high as clouds in the sky.
I’ve already determined myself, to raise Misaki as best as I could, and in front of my eyes there stood the existence that reign at the apex of all adults.
Disgracefully shedding tears, the adult that can’t even convince a kid on her own, is in front of my eyes.
“……I’m sorry.”
There’s only the word of apology, coming out of her mouth.
No. such a word is not needed. I’m――
I bit my lips, and stop thinking any further.
And the result, is a heavy silence.
The breeze is brushing past by
The car’s noise is rumbling on.
The grass continues to shakes, making a gloomy noise.
I just want to rampage here and now. Screaming, get violent, and just want to mess everything up.
Yet my body won’t even move an inch.
It’s because of my half-hearted spirit that’s just acting like a grown up, that my boiling feelings has nowhere to go.
So I, didn’t say anything out.
And she too, just keeps shedding tears.
“……Are you okay?”.
And the first one to move, is Misaki.
While the adults won’t move at all, the first one to move of all people, is a five years old kid.
“……Is okay?”
Misaki said in a worried voice, after she saw the tears.
And when I saw her like that, it reminded me of the strength of the girl named Misaki. At the same time, I also finally realized my own miserableness.
I had to do something, and immediately when I thought so.
“……I-, I”
She speaks while sobbing.
“……Shouldn’t have, given birth. I know, that my, myself lack the ability…… to take care of a child.”
“Wait, wait a sec.”
I stopped the words that would follow reflexively.
I feel like I shouldn’t hear to it.
If I ever heard that word again, the things that has shaped me into my current self, for these past few years, would surely collapsed down.
“……I’m the worst.”
“Stop it.”
I’ll never forget it.
That is, the last word I’ve ever heard from her.
―― You’re the worst, seriously.
―― As I thought, not giving birth to you would be better.
It’s the farewell words.
An arrogant word without a subject.
“……I’m, really.”
“Just stop it already!”
Inside my mind it automatically swapped the subject as me instead of her in her sentence. The meaning of her words that she spoke out is completely reversed.
“There’s no way, no way in hell.”
I rejected it.
“You lack the ability to take care of a child so you threw them away? You said you’re sorry that you irresponsibly gave birth?”
I will never accept this.
“Sneakily giving me money, is this the best you can do huh. That’s strange isn’t it. The adult who can do absolutely everything, resorting to a method like this!?”
I yelled.
“So after that incident, you gave up on me pretty easily huh.”D
Deep within those words there’re wishes hiding in it.
And that is, My past self that wished for it to be this way, and my current self that wished for it to be another way.
“How many years has it been? If you didn’t gave up on me yet, then tell me, tell me how many opportunity did you have to fix things between us?”
My voice is shaking
The uncontrollable emotions starts to blur my visibility.
“Just why, has it to be at this time……”
I put all my strength in my lungs, and squeeze out those words.
“……Reason, is it.”
She, replied simply.
She said so easily in contrast to me that desperately tried to squeeze the words out.
She lifted her face up.
Those eyes of her, they’re a very gentle pair of eyes
A shiver runs down my spine. I know what words she’d say next by instinct, and it made my heart trembles.
I don’t know what mother meant.
I don’t know what parent meant.
To take care of a child, is to give them money. And the only thing I ever receive from my parents, is only the cold behavior as if they’re a machine.
And it’s absolutely, not the pair of eyes in front of me. Not something that made my chest warms up this much.
Please stop.
The reason I struggled this far, it’s for me to have a revenge on you.
To look at you the scumbag face to face who abandoned their own kids just for the sake of their own convenience, To slam the fact in their face that I’m the happiest in the world, that’s the karma. It’s all so that I can say those words out.
“……And just what is it, the reason.”
Yet I can’t utter out a single word.
When the mother hears her child’s question, she smiled softly.
“Any parents, love their own child.”
Fucking ridiculous. It’s easy to speak.
But, at the same time I also thought.
This scumbag of a mother, just what kind of thoughts did she have in her mind, to appeared in front of me like this.
Failed to take care of her own child, and choose the worst possible choice to make, up until now, just what kind of thoughts did she lived with.
Those feelings, I kind of understand it now.
But I don’t want to admit it. I cannot put myself to do it. I just want to scream out, yelling at her to fuck off, and just going on a rampage like a kid.
“……I see.”
But still, I cannot do it.
As I sympathize with her even if it’s just a little bit, I can’t say anything else out.
I’ve already decided, that I’ll raise Misaki.
And since then, I’ve always been worried.
There’s nothing wrong is it.
I didn’t cause her any discomfort am I.
Is Misaki enduring something I wonder.
Is there anything I can do better.
Am I getting closer to my goal now.
When can I finally hold hands together with Misaki.
Why won’t she act spoiled to me.
Am I lacking in anything.
Is there anything that I’m not lacking.
How good was the conversation just now.
How did she judged me just now.
Did you have fun today?
What did you do yesterday?
Can I really become one, a good parent that is.
I’m full of worries.
If I ever stopped standing, If I ever stopped struggling, I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
The time period that I had to create that game is harsh.
I feel like if I ever stopped my hands even once, everything would go wrong.
“……You too, I’m sure you’re the same as me.”
There’s a word I heard once when I was working at the short-term part-time job.
It’s the adult’s responsibility, to scold the kid that is, if there’s a guy who don’t understand this then he shouldn’t raise a kid at all.
Surely, she has been blaming herself for so long.
Those feelings of her, I understand it. That’s why, I didn’t say anything else.
“…………Please receive this.”
She bring out the suitcase.
“With this, you shouldn’t have any inconvenience anymore.”
I know the content inside without needing to hear it. I’m sure there’s a lot of money in it so much that you eyes would popped out when you saw them.
“……I don’t need it.”
I rejected it.
I’m sure, that she has been waiting for this moment all along. Someday that she could look at me face to face, to wait for when I can lived independently, and then support me from the behind.
“You have all the legitimate rights, to receive this suitcase.”
That’s why she didn’t give up.
“If you do not intend to use it for yourself, then use it for the girl over there. First of all, change the place of your living. Living in an environment like that, one day she’ll be sick.”
I can’t receive it.
She is,
“Ryuusei, receive it now.”
It’s the first time, that I ever heard my name called. And for the mother, I’m sure that’s also her first and her last order.
“I DON’T NEED IT!!!!!”
That’s why, I yelled.
I yelled with my whole spirit, as if my throat was going to break.
Misaki who’s standing beside my legs is startled and is trembling.
My voice bounced off the building and made an echo.
I understand her feelings.
It’s the same as mine. As a parent, you think about your kid all day, you become worried, and unable to do anything.
I understand that very well.
But still, I can’t admit it.
I’m still, still not yet an adult.
“……I don’t need it.”
I have many more things I want to say.
And yet, I cannot voice out a single word.
“Receive it.”
She didn’t take any further steps. She stood still and hold out the suitcase with a dignified movements and a dignified looks.
……What did I do, just now.
When I cast my eyes downward, I saw Misaki standing there looking at me as if she was about to cry. When I saw that it startled me.
This is no good, absolutely no good, not like this.
A parent that made their kid restless, is absolutely no good.
“…………”
And so, I receive the suitcase silently.
And just like that, I hold it out to her.
“What are you trying to do.”
“……To return it.”
“That thing, it’s yours already.”
“That’s right. That’s why, I used it.”
This is, my best attempt at acting tough.
The suitcase in my right hand is very heavy. when I think about how much is in there it send shivers down my spine.
It’d made it so that, the time and effort I put up until now are meaningless.
I had lived aimlessly, my body only grows bigger. And while my outside is saying that I’m living as I please, inside I’m trying to hide my true cowardly self.
So I struggled. I feel like if I didn’t do anything I’ll be crushed by the anxiety, so I did anything I can do.
I stopped smoking. Also stopped drinking.
Didn’t go to the pachinko anymore.
Stopped wasting my time self-depreciating.
To move forward in life, I had to stand behind the start line, and struggle on my own.
“If I don’t return this, I cannot move forward.”
I’ll raise Misaki.
I’ll make Misaki happy.
And for that, I’ll have to become a good parent.
That’s why, I’ll become an adult.
I should stop, acting like a kid.
“Please receive it. I give you my deepest thanks, for raising me thus far.”
I bowed my head.
I waited for forever, but couldn’t hear her reply.
Instead, I heard her inhale noise.
That little noise, seemed to goes on for forever.
Eventually she received the suitcase.
In exchange, she handed me a piece of paper.
“If something happened, contact me.”
It’s her business card.
After that, it’s the farewell words.
I heard the noise of her footsteps.
It slowly, as if it’s going turn around anytime now, getting further away.
And so while I was lowering my head like that, I send her off.
……Ahhh fuck this, this’s no good, I can’t move at all.
After the noise was completely gone, I raised my head up. When I looked up the sky above me, it’s now completely dark.
While I was absentmindedly gazing at the faintly shining star, I felt like something is pulling my pant.
Well it’s not something, there’s only Misaki standing there.
……Really, I’m such a no good parent, really.
I can’t look her in the eyes. If I turn downward right now, I think my tears would come out.
“……”
Are you okay?
I felt like she was asking that.
As I thought, Misaki also…… and when I was about to think of it further, the sniffing noise stopped it.
“Misaki?”
When I take a look at her, Misaki’s mouth is still in a straight shape, but her big eyes like a kid’s is moist.
“What’s wrong?”
“…………”
With a heart-breaking expression, with her shaking lips, and while sniffing countless of times,
“……Okaa-san1, cared about her?”
And when she said that, her tears pour straight down.
“……And, Misaki, do you cared about Misaki?”
I regretted it.
I had never know anything from the start.
A strong yet gentle girl?
That’s wrong. The person in front of me, is still only just a kid.
……Damn that was so lame, Tendou Ryuusei!
“Misaki…… Please don’t cry.”
What I can squeezed out was, just an irresponsible word.
“……Ryo-kun also, crying.”
As expected of Misaki, she punched straight into my weakness. I was so heartbroken that I kneeled down, and our eyes are now at the same height.
“Misaki, you shouldn’t said that you know.”
“……Why.”
What should a parent say in this moment, I wonder.
What I can conjure up in my head, is only just bad words.
“When it’s time like this, you did it like this.”
I spread both of my hands wide.
And I then got closer to Misaki. But I can’t move an inch more when I felt like I hit a wall mid-way between us.
I bit my lips hard, and broke through it.
“……And forget all of it.”
“……Unn.”
Slowly, I hugged that tiny body.
As if Misaki’s going to disappear if I ever let her go, I hugged her tighter and tighter.
And immediately my meaning got through her.
Finally, Misaki starts to cry out.
Crying out loud, just like a kid.
“……Misaki, listen closely. I’m, doing my best. Right now more than ever, more than anyone…… That’s why, today’s the last time. Both Misaki, and me, we will never ever cry again for a second time. Got it? Pinky promise.”
“…………Unn.”
There’s a lot of thoughts in my mind.
Since the day I decided to raise Misaki, I always wondered if anything in myself has changed. Am I changing into a better person.
The answer for that is very simple.
I myself, didn’t changed at all.
I haven’t move an inch from that place.
And even now, I’m still a scumbag that lives at the bottom of society.
That’s why I’ll stand up.
And I’ll take a step forward.
As my body is uselessly large, the length of my steps also has to be large. And even though I cannot run because my body is heavy, even with that, I’ll walk faster than Misaki right now. So that at least I can walk ahead of her, until it’s the time she decided to run.
While Misaki’s crying out loud, I pledged an oath.
I carved it deep into my heart that I’d never walk backward again.
I’m determined to walk forward.
And so today, I have taken the first step forward.
＊
In the familiar shabby apartment.
The clothes that’s scattered throughout the room is still unchanged, but there’s one figure that is unfamiliar.
It’s Misaki who has already slept because she’s tired from crying.
Hugging the pillow that’s as big as herself, there lies the figure of my beloved daughter sleeping quietly.
I stretched my back, and exhale a long breath.
And then I take a look at Misaki, and saw a notebook that has been left as is accidentally.
I came to picked it up somehow, and got an idea in my mind.
“……Let’s write a diary.”
I’ll keep doing it everyday, to confirm whether or not Misaki’s happy that day.