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Clink— clink!
In contrast to the gloomy and eerie alleyway adjacent to it, Chef Cook’s Pizza House was adorned with vibrant decor and offered a welcoming atmosphere suitable for dining. The walls were adorned with neatly arranged green tiles, and the front glass panel was decorated with charming oil paintings showcasing the menu. At the center of it, all stood a chubby man with a comical mustache holding a sign that read ‘OPEN!’ and giving a thumbs up.
“Welcome!”
The chubby man, donning an apron covered in flour, greeted the group with a warm welcome as they entered the well-lit building.
Gyosu’s face, which had initially shown some tension, immediately softened into a natural smile as he waved his hand at the man.
“Chef Cook! It’s me again! It’s been a while! How’s the business?”
“Ahem, pardon me… but I’m getting a bit old and senile. I don’t remember you. Do you visit our restaurant often?”
“Oh my! Chef! You have already forgotten me!? This is me, Gyosu, your regular customer! Last week, when I got a week off from work, I came to eat pizza here every day for the entire week! I’m a little hurt, Chef Cook!”
“My, my~ I’m so terribly sorry! To think I’ve forgotten a regular customer. I’m a failure as an owner.”
“Hehehe, I think some free stuff will change my mind.”
“Of course! I’ll give you a free size-up for our pizzas, so just tell me what you want!”
The chubby man and Gyosu continued chatting about their crazy topic as if they were living in a completely different world.
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Vex and Ian watched Gyosu continue the act with gaping mouths, then turned around and whispered to themselves.
“Hey, shortie. What’s with this entire show? Regular? Week off from work? Eat pizza?”
Ian couldn’t understand this situation. He thought the reason they weren’t allowed to take firearms was that there was some sort of safety rule that forbade loud sounds, and he internally asked for a chance to have a melee brawl, but all that happened after they came in was a chat with a typical pizza house chef about the old days.
“Shhhh! Jaw! Gyosu told us not to do anything! Look to the front! The owner is looking at you!”
When Ian jumped back into position, he saw that the restaurant owner, who had just been talking with Gyosu with a friendly smile, was now staring lasers at him with a cold expression. He saw Gyosu massaging his temple in the back while standing near the counter.
“And who are… these?”
“Ah, ahh! They’re with me. My buddies! We thought it would be nice to get some pizza after meeting for the first time in a while!”
“Sir, can you wait for a moment, please? Things have been a little rough around here these days, with many thieves and such.”
Crrrack, crackkk, cracg!
Gyosu tried his best to resolve the situation, but with their switches already turned on, they didn’t even seem to hear anything. Chef Cook threw the apron covered in flour to the side and opened the gate to the counter with a rolling pin held threateningly in his hand, his teeth being gritted down to dust.
“I’m unsure about the government’s actions. The police force appears to be collecting a significant amount of taxes, yet they cannot apprehend even a single thief. As small business owners, what options do we have? DAMN THIEVES, DINE AND DASHERS, AND BLACK CONSUMERSSSS!!!!!”
Whooosh!
“They all need to die! I’ll crush their skull with this pin! Skin their pelt for dough and spray red sauce all over! Smother it in yellow fat and serve with toppings! Wait just a moment, sir! Chef Cook does not disappoint! Never! Even if the world ends! And the heavens fall down! AND A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION TURNS EVERYTHING UPSIDE DOWN! THE CUSTOMERS SATISFACTION WILL BE GUARANTEEDDDDDD!!”
Ian’s hand instinctively headed towards his empty holster as the chubby man stomped towards them menacingly with his rolling pin held like a bat.
Grrrind!
Treating a hostile opponent without the same nature was an incredibly difficult thing for a man who lived his entire life doing what he wanted.
‘Hold it… Don’t act aggressively… if things go wrong….!’
Barely managing to hold back the aggressive urges within him, Ian gave him an awkward smile as he took out the piece of paper that Gyosu had given him.
“A-ahem! I-I came here to use this. D-did I happen to… come to the wrong place?”
The shiny piece of paper that Ian held up had a drawing of a pizza on it and the words [COUPON] written on it in large white letters.
Swipe!
The man took the piece of paper without saying a word. He brought the coupon close to his eye, tried scratching it, and even sniffed it, then…
Grin!
“Thank you for visiting our restaurant! There have just been so many rude customers these days that I overreacted! I’ll give you a free side menu as an apology, so please forgive me for the misunderstanding! Hahahaha!”
The chubby man’s crumpled face turned into a bright smile, and he returned joyfully to the counter.
“Phewww!”
When Ian turned his head, he saw Gyosu giving him a thumbs-up with a hand inside the inner pocket of his leather jacket. Seeing that he could hear a familiar click, there must have been a holster attached to the jacket’s inner pocket.
Gyosu released the half-pulled trigger, put the gun back into its holster, then spoke to the Chef Cook, smiling brightly with the coupon in hand.
“Excuse me… do we have to wait a bit?”
“Oh no, no, no! You don’t! Just tell me what pizza you would like!”
Seeing that Chef Cook was now completely back to normal, Gyosu caught a glimpse around the inner side of the counter. What he was looking for was a box painted yellow. It was easy to find because it was always placed on the left side behind the counter when opened, but it was nowhere in sight today.
“Mmm… I’ll get a pineapple pizza.”
“Pineapple? Sir. What about a different menu? The meat sauce pizza is a signature menu item in our restaurant—even the magazines came to interview us! We just happened to get a ‘fresh’ stock of meat as well…”
“Please! Give me the pineapple pizza. I’m vegan, so I can’t get anything with meat on it.”
Looking at Gyosu signaling them silently, Ian also caught on and went along with the act.
“I-I also want a pineapple pizza! I’m allergic to meat!”
“Ahh, I see. It seems that we’re getting a lot of vegetarian customers these days.”
After ordering, Gyosu took a couple of wrinkled bills out of his pocket.
“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have any change, so if you have a card…”
“Aw, what do you mean change? I don’t need it… Just think of it as the tip.”
“Ahahah! Thank you very much! Both of the orders will be coming out in 15 minutes!”
Thump thump— click!
The chubby man thanked them, then entered the kitchen at the back of the restaurant.
“Pwahh— hup!”
“You can talk now. Chef Cook wouldn’t know if a bomb went off when he’s inside cooking.”
And when Chef Cook left for the back of the restaurant, the three men all let out their breath simultaneously.
“Is this… some kind of roleplay? I caught on near the middle and played along with it…”
“Yeah. Good job. You were pretty good too.”
“H-Hepburn. Is that person… from the Psycho Gang?”
To Vex’s question, Professor responded after quenching his thirst with the water bottle he had in his pocket.
“P-hah! Yeah. ‘Cannibal Chef Chef Cook’. They’re one of the most well-known members of the Neutral Psycho Gang. There are multiple types within the Psycho Gang, with the one that most people in the Wastelands know being the A type, the Aggressive Psycho Gang. As their name indicates, they’re just crazy wackos. They live alone or move as a group. Their commonality is that they kill and eat any other human they meet, and their actions have zero logical thinking behind them.”
Tap tap.
“On the other hand, the Psycho Gang that’s also definitely crazy but is only crazy in one way and can be compliant when we’re cooperative are called the N-type, the Neutral Psycho Gang.”
“I didn’t know that such a thing existed… This is the first time I’ve heard of it living in the Wastelands.”
“That’s only natural. Area 47 is the only Area where there are enough Psycho Gangs to divide like this.”
Bang bang bang bang!
“Chef Cook’s consciousness is still fixed on the days before the war happened, and there are only two types of people inside his head. Customers, and criminals who aren’t customers. You have to play well with his conversations. You saw it back there, right? He started going crazy the moment Ian said something else.”
“I said it in a whisper too. He has good hearing. I thought he was some serial killer from a horror movie.”
“You’re right.”
“…Huh?”
Gyosu pointed towards the back side of the counter, which was currently completely empty.
“There. Do you see the stack of tools under the counter?”
“Wher… Ah, you mean there?”
“Yeah. Usually, the delivery man from the Dome regularly leaves a bright yellow box filled with pork or beef in front of the shop. When you can see the box behind the counter, then you can order menus with meat in them, but if he recommends a meat dish when the box isn’t there, you have to get something else. Chef grows his own wheat and tomatoes in his backyard, and we made a small barn on the second floor where there’s a cow for the cheese, but you can’t do that with meat. When he runs out, he goes out looking for some himself.”
“W—what sort of meat… does he look for?”
“Anything. If it’s not a ‘customer’, anything alive and moving is caught and made into a pizza. There are quite a bit of people that died at his hands as well.
“Eeeeep!”
To Gyosu’s ominous voice, Vex shook his head as he backed off from the counter. That was because the brightly colored sign titled ‘Today’s Specials’ was listed only with meat dishes.
“There aren’t any idiots in Area 47 that walk around Cook’s territory without knowing how to act like customers, so his main ingredients are mostly Psycho Gangs that happened to be nearby or brand new Type 2 mutants.”
“They’re leaving a guy like that… alive? Just because he makes a good pizza?”
Gyosu just scratched his head at Ian’s question.
“Hm. I honestly think otherwise, too, but…”
Click!
“The order is ready~ Please enjoy and come back next time!”
“Thank you!”
Clink clink—
Gyosu stopped what he was saying and took the pizza from Chef, then headed right out of the shop and opened the cardboard box to take in the delicious scent.
“As long as they deliver the ingredients on time and you know how to act as a customer with these clothes on, he’s an excellent cook. Since he takes the cash from the Old Times that we don’t use anymore, it’s basically free.”
“But he kills people. Isn’t safety the biggest priority?”
“I think so too, but the Dome strongly claims we must keep Chef Cook alive. They say that there are high-class people in the Dome who order Chef Cook’s pizza daily through their underlings, so their influence is probably keeping him alive. There’s a rumor that the cow on the second floor was also a gift from the Dome. And recently, the yellow box hadn’t been late once, so Chef didn’t use any weird meats, but thanks to a certain someone and someone, it’s impossible to pass through the central area now. The delivery guy is probably going around the central area towards here right about now.”
Pullll—
Gyosu picked up a steamy slice of pizza and took a large bite. He used a few of his Old Times bills that he had left, but the pizza was more than worth it. Mmm… it’s been two years since he tasted Chef Cook’s pizza.
“Hah, ah— that’s hot! Eat it after it cools down, you guys. We unintentionally ordered two, so we can eat one right now. We need to use the other one later today, so don’t touch it.”
“Hm… then…”
“I’ll take just one slice.”
Ian and Vex reached for the pizza with a doubtful expressions. The three that wolfed down the delicious treat cleaned the pizza box long after.
“Anyway, Area 47 has a lot of N-type Psycho Gangs like ‘Cannibal Chef Chef Cook’. The one that lives near the Dome, ‘Wild Wild Youngjun Park,’ and the map collector ‘Toothnip’, ‘Mercenary Allan,’ that’s near our house, and ‘One-Night Lady,’ are also some famous ones. Safety is definitely a reason why Area 47 is a nice place to live, but guys like these enable you to access services from the Old Times without needing to go into the Dome. I bet you that you won’t be able to find pizza like this anywhere else in the Wastelands.”
“Buuurp! This… is a taste that I can’t deny.”
“A rich man’s town is definitely different, alright..?”
Ian and Vex pat their stomachs in satisfaction. But they had an uneasy expressions on their faces.
“Oy, Gyosu.”
“Hm?”
“Before we went inside the pizza shop, you said this was a ‘practice’, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And we’re on our way to calm down the monster in the central area.”
“Mhm, I’m glad you remember.”
“Then, what we’re doing there is… Don’t tell me…”
Gyosu wiped the grease on his hands across his pants, then faced Ian’s hopeful eyes that were in denial, and nodded.
“Yep. What we’re doing today is going to the stage that the Dome is probably setting up as the main actors and acting according to the script in front of the rampaging Old Picture.”
“That’s… safe, right?”
“Mmm… to an extent?”
Gyosu could only give a vague answer to Vex’s question.
“Five cases triggered Old Picture last year, with 17 people that participated in the play and 27 casualties.”
“God damn it! That’s under a 0% survival rate!”
“H-Hepburn. I actually prepared a will too, so if things go wrong…”
“It’s alright, truly. The third play went a little wrong, which is why the surrounding people got caught up in it too. It’s not actually that hard.”
His voice had a certain confidence to it. And Vex realized this intuitively.
“Hepburn. Have you… done this before?”
“Uh… um… yeah.”
Gyosu smiled awkwardly, thinking about three years ago when he met Old Picture while looting the central area and accidentally burned down its house.