Parsed with an automated reader. The content accuracy is not guranteed.
……for as long as I could remember, the way that I would live my life had been decided for me .\n
It seems like I was someone who should never have been born.\nMy parents made me to do the all the menial housework. They had led me to believe that I was mentally ill and they didn’t let me go to any schools.\nIt was only from a drama that was playing on the TV that we used to have that I realized that my life wasn’t normal.\nMy circumstances were not normal, It was abnormal and ―― unhappy.\n
「do it」\n「……yes. but, I’m still not done doing the dishes ……」\n「Haa? You’re still not done? I told you not take so long doing every little thing! 」\n「――h, gu……」\n
The existence called mother took a freshly washed knifed in her hand, grabbed my left arm and then slashed at it.\nIt was hot.\nand then, there was a steady pain.\n
……my body was so cold that the wound felt like a source of warmth. \n
I was forbidden from using warm water when doing the dishes.\nIt was apparently too much of an extravagance and a waste for me to use it.\n
「Come on then, stop cowering and get up. I have to get ready to go soon」\n「………yes」\n
I’m not allowed to refuse.\nIf I were to do so then she wouldn’t stop with just a cut from a knife.\n
「…………」\n
I continued doing the dishes without paying attention to my dripping blood, soaking my hands in freezing water.\nIt was fortunate that the cut was near the elbow so the blood didn’t get in the water.\n
After doing the dishes, I tore a strip of fabric from the clothes I was wearing to use as a makeshift bandage.\nI was told not to use the bandages or the band-aid, it was apparently wasted on me.\nBecause of this, the clothes I wear get more and more tattered every time I get injured.\nOnly one big T-shirt is given to me per month. It’s baggy and goes below my knees, but it’s only been half a month now and my knees are already showing.\n
「……next is……」\n
Should I do what I was told to do or should I clean up the floor that’s been dirtied with my blood? \n
The next task that I was supposed to do was …… cleaning the toilet, so, I should go clean the floor first which could be finished quickly.\nI took a rag out and dipped my hands with the rag in the freezing water. I started to wipe the blood on the floor before it became a stain.\nAs blood got on the floor, I’d wash the rag in the water and wipe the floor again. I did this over and over.\n
Is mother still busy preparing? It’s fortunate that she hasn’t noticed that I haven’t started cleaning the toilet yet.\nIf she had seen me crawling on the floor then she would’ve kicked me up without a question.\nShe would’ve scolded me and said something like, 「Stop slacking, get back to work」\n
That’s why I have to finish cleaning the floor quickly.\n
After that is the toilet.\nNeedless to say, I also have to do the cleaning with my hands, so……\n
「……uuu」\n
An incredibly hard to describe stench permeated the air, and I pinched my nose without thinking.\nIf I recall correctly then I’ve cleaned the toilet only just a few days ago ……meaning that it got this bad in only a few days. Was it because it was used for different things? \nWhether it was day or night, that other parent would always be doing that thing that I couldn’t understand.\nSometimes he’d even be doing it with different people ……\nWith no regard for if I was even there, he’d be doing it with no reserve all around the house.\n …… The smell, the atmosphere, the expressions that he had during that time, are things that I have trouble with.\n
That one day he could turn his actions towards me, is something that I’m very afraid of.\n
「――Hah? tch, being cleaned huh……hurry up and finish! 」\n「guu……」\n
The stench of alcohol and a peculiar stuffy smell that could only come from an adult man came up behind me while I was still cleaning, I grimaced.\nRight now, an unpleasant stench was getting mixed up with a stench that I hated …… it felt like my nose was being twisted.\n
He pinned my head down and started clamping down on it.\n
「What the fuck is up with that face huh!?」\n「――Gah」\n
He didn’t seem to like the disgust in my face. He slammed me to the wall then brought his face closer …… and with a mixture of alcohol and tobacco in his breath, he started to talk to me.\n
「You’re helpless so isn’t it just common sense that you have to grovel to us, your parents, and humbly serve us!? huh!?!”」\n「Hiih, I’m s-sorr――!?」\n
The thing that could be said as the thing that I hate the most in the entire world.\nIs the smell of that after it’s been used. It seems like he had had some fun last night.\n
It looks like he was at the end of his limits so he went to relieve himself even though I was right next to him.\n――as I was sitting on the floor, that thing was right in front of me, I didn’t want to see it, I looked away.\n
「Fooー…… tch, it stinks 」\n「…………」\n
The source of that stench said something.\n
「Oi, lick it up until it’s clea――haa, nevermind, you reek too 」\n「…………」\n
I couldn’t understand what he started saying but …… it was, with no doubt, going to have been something worthless.\nThinking that, I went back to cleaning.\n
「I’ll be going off now～ de～a～ry!」\n「Ohh! See you later then!」\n
As I finished cleaning the toilet, my mother jumped in to my father’s arm and ,with a mushy, disgusting voice, started talking to him.\nMother smelled like perfume…… she’s probably about to go to work.\nAs for Father……he’s probably going to start drinking alcohol now like he always does.\n
「And you, make sure to do your chores properly okay?」\n「……yes」\n
\nWhat kindness she’d show to my father, she would never show me.\nIt’s disgusting, and even if she started to treat me like that after all this time……even if it’s like that, I realize that I still wasn’t being loved.\nA hindrance. An eyesore. If you were never born then it would’ve been better.\nI’d be something like that instead.\n
「……I wonder if there’s any food for me」\n
I was hungry because I haven’t eating anything since the morning.\nWhile my stomach was gurgling loudly, I looked around in the refrigerator for today’s food. \n
「It’s the same today too huh」\n
In there would be things like half-eaten bread, hardened rice …… and kind of strange, smelly bentou.\nThat is what I’d have to eat for the entire day.\nSometimes it would make my stomach hurt but if I don’t eat then I wouldn’t be able to move.\n
「……(mogu mogu)」\n
I held the bread with both hands and chewed slowly.\nThen I drank as much water as I could, my belly swelled slightly. \n
「glug, glug ……puhaaー！」\n
And near me is my father who just downed an entire can of beer dry.\nEating stuff like fish and nuts as he wanted, and then chasing it down with even more alcohol. Next to him was also some fried foods. He had delicious looking food all lined up..\n
「Hah? The hell are you looking at!?」\n「S-sorry……」\n
I got glared at for looking at his food with envy.\nI didn’t want to get hit so I quickly ran away to do my next task.\n
The next task was, cleaning the bedroom.\nIt was an easy task.\nBut because I had no stamina, it still took me a lot of time.\n
「Uuu……」\n
It seems like, they’ve been going at it till late at night …… First, I have to open the windows and let fresh air in. \nWhat I’m smelling right now, is the stench that I hate the most in the entire world, and the stench of cosmetics and alcohol that had mixed with it.\nIs it the smell of mother’s cosmetics? If it was then I hate it even more.\n
「…… I wonder if I’m going to need to wash this and this」\n
I took the blanket and the sheets off the futon. Then I slipped on some spare ones.\nI took the trash and crammed it in to a garbage bag. Little by little, I tidied up the room.\n……but then my very drunk father came over and then,\n
「Hmmm!」\n「agh」\n「Tch, no matter how old you get you don’t grow up, I can’t have any fun like this …… *hic*」\n
Even though I worked hard to clean the place up, its going to get all messy again.\nEmpty beer cans and crumbs of snacks is going to get scattered all over the room. I’m going to have to vacuum the room again.\n
Those thoughts ran through my head faintly ……I was having difficulty breathing after having been kicked in the stomach.\n
「Haaaahー…… oh, my phone」\n
Father’s upset attitude turned around instantly.\nHe quickly went to his ringing phone and answered the call.\nHis expression was no longer the irritated one he had just a few moments ago …… he was now making a sick lovestruck and sweet faced expression.\n
「――Yea, right now should be okay. No problem. ……The brat? You don’t need to mind the brat…… Yea, okay. Then, see you soon」\n
While stepping on me, father answered the phone.\n
＊＊＊\n
……Right now, I am cleaning up the cigarette butts and empty beer cans outside the bedroom.\nThe room which I had just finished cleaning up, was immediately used by my father and a woman that had came over.\nI could hear voices …… that seemed to be in pain, and seemed to be in pleasure.\nVoices that I had long gotten used to.\n
At night with my mother, In the day with strangers like this. Women who I didn’t know.\n
My father didn’t work…… and just like right now, he only drank alcohol, and enjoyed himself……\nOur family was supported solely by my mother.\n
But that isn’t to say that our family didn’t have much ―― that wouldn’t actually be the case.\nAt the very least our family had enough to let two people indulge themselves.\n…… it’s just that there’s nothing for me.\n
「……haa」\n
That aside, I’ve gotten hungry.\nI thought about eating what I still had left in the fridge now, but if I did that then I wouldn’t have anything left for lunch and for dinner.\nFor now, I decided to drink more water to help me endure my hunger.\n
At least, it still wasn’t to the point where I could no longer move.\n
＊＊＊\n
The woman left to go home after she was done with what she came here for.\nShe looked bothered when she saw me, but it was still better than being hit or kicked around.\n
「Clean up. Don’t let her find out.」\n「……okay」\n
Even though father one was the one who made it dirty,\nForget about it, if I don’t clean up then I’ll get beaten by mother …… she might even take my food away this time.\nI didn’t want that to happens so I hurriedly got rid of all the traces of anything that had happened in the bedroom\n
However, it seems like this time I wasn’t so fortunate.\n
「’I’m home~ deary~」\n「……h!?」\n
Mother came back home.\nAnd it was while I was in the middle of tidying up all the traces that the woman had left behind. \n……It looks like today was a day where she could come home early.\n
With cold sweat, father went to greet her.\nBut then, mother squinted her eyes …… and sniffed father.\n
「……Deary」\n「W-, wh-, what is it?」\n「You’ve been drinking haven’t you! Let me have some too!」\n「Ye, yea…… okay. Then why don’t we start drinking now」\n
\nMother entrusted her body to father, who, compared to before she had left for work, now smelled of various new scents mixing together, she went to the fridge in order to get more alcohol and then, \n
……her mood immediately plummeted after noticing that I hadn’t finished cleaning the bedroom.\nShe rushed over to where I was and screamed at me with a voice filled with anger.\nI don’t want to hear it. But I’m not allowed to cover my ears. I have to quietly hang my head …… and continue listening to her yell at me. \n
Suddenly, the shouting stopped.\n
「Ah ,sorry. I think I might’ve left my bag he……re」\n
The woman from earlier had came back inside he house.\n\n
―― Father’s relationship with that woman was exposed, and our house now looked as if it’s been desolated by a disaster.\nPlates and glasses were broken and scattered. Blood had also been splattered around.\nBlood which turned out to be from my father..\nMother had hit and injured him.\n…… and of course, I was also a victim of her rampage. but nobody’s really paying attention to that.\n
「……this stings」\n
Mother had left the house in grief.\n
「damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!!」\n
Father was wildly hitting the walls and the floor.\nI held my breath and hid in a corner.\n …… but it was useless, I was dragged out by the arm and then beaten.\n
It didn’t end with just a beating.\nHe poured alcohol on me and ,after taking a quick drag off his cigarette, started pressing his lit cigarette to my skin.\n
No matter how much I cried, he wouldn’t hold back.\n
It hurt, and then there was nothing, and then there was pain again.\nHe kept doing it again and again.\n
…… before I knew it, I had been taken to the bedroom.\nHe had pushed me down to the futon, and was on top of me wringing my neck.\n
「ack, hyuh……」\n「This fucker…… you damn bitch, this is all your fault!!」\n
I haven’t done anything wrong.\nI’ve only ever done what I’ve been told to do.\nSo why does this have to happen to me.\n
「Haa…… Haa……」\n
Father kept choking me until I was about to lose consciousness ―― he kept on going until I was about to faint. He stopped and made to leave the bedroom.\n
but while I was still down, he kicked me in the stomach, and I finally lost consciousness. \n
＊＊＊\n
When I eventually woke up I could hear the voices of father and another woman echoing around the house again.\nI was no longer in the bedroom, it looks like I’ve been put away inside the bathroom. Because I was only wearing a shirt, it felt freezing inside even though it was still day.\n
……why? why?\n
It’s cold, It hurts, They look so comfortable, It’s so unfair.\nWhy am I the only one who has to experience something like th–\n
「……ahh」\n
I’m so hungry.\n\n
I was too scared to go outside, so I stayed still and endured the cold inside the bathroom.\nThe voices kept on going. A day passed, I thought that maybe that woman had finally gone back, but when I checked another woman had come in to our house.\nmaybe father has already lost interest in me and won’t do anything to me anymore …… he hasn’t gone in to take a bath and he’s just been playing around with those women all this time.\n
I’m hungry, I’m cold, I couldn’t take it anymore.\n
But I was too scared to be around father while he’s like that.\nSo I kept on hiding myself away in the bathroom.\nEnduring the cold and my hunger the entire time.\n
「……」\n
With a gulp, I drank my saliva and tried to keep my hunger under control.\nI’ve always been this hungry, I’ve just never been able to realize it, that I was always hungry.\nUp till now I’ve been paralyzed with pain and fear.\nAnd now that I’ve had the chance to stay still for such a long time like this, I finally realized …… just how hungry I was all this time.\n
「…………」\n
The house went quiet..\nThe front door opened, and someone went out.\n
I’m already, at my limit.\n
「Hah? what is …… it?」\n「Aha……」\n
My ,now alone, father was about to invite someone else over and with one hand on his phone looked over at me irritatedly.\nHowever, that soon turned into a look of astonishment …… and then into a look of terror.\n
「A, AAAAaaaAAAaaA! ? ! ?」\n「……aha」\n
I used a kitchen knife that I had stealthily taken from the kitchen, and stabbed him in the stomach.\nFather squirmed in pain.\nI couldn’t hold myself back, I swung the knife around as I wanted, sticking my knife in him over and over.\n
For everything that he’d had done to me until now, for all the times that I’ve been beaten …… this is my payback. I kept going and going.\n
「ah, gah……guha」\n
and just like that, he’s lost all liveliness and stopped moving. Finally, he can’t say anything anymore.\nBut even after that I still kept on stabbing him with the knife. Again and again.\n
「I’m hungry……」\n
The pain from my hunger was intense.\nBut, even after going through the fridge, and looking around the entire house I couldn’t find anything.\nThere was nothing but empty cans and empty bottles, nothing but empty snack wrappers.\n……even though I should still have had some food left, it was nowhere to be found.\n
「w why……」\n
After finding out that there was nothing to eat, my hunger became even more intense.\nI can still bear it. I will endure.\n
＊＊＊\n
Mother came back home,\nBut this time she brought along several men.\n
「――hey missy, what’s this about? You said that you be giving us one kid and one man? 」\n「Eh? kyaAAAA! ?」\n
The man in black took a look at my father and at me, who was covered in blood, and then frowned. \nAnd my mother, after seeing me like that, let out a shriek.\n
「Oh come on, his organs probably can’t even be used anymore …… the kid’s a girl but, she’s way too thin」\n「Missy. This is rather troublesome. I got these people together because you said that we’d be able to make some money here」\n「…… hey now, do I really have to go and make our pretty boys give you another lesson~? 」\n「「GYAHAHA! !」」\n
I couldn’t understand what they were saying.\nBut my mother was looking at me……\n
「I don’t care about any of that! Take this brat away! Right this instant!」\n「……eh?」\n「No. That’s too much, there’s no merit in taking her with us when she’s like this……I’ll forget about the conversation we had earlier, so- 」\n「N, no way…… You, useless brat! !」\n
The men left.\nAnd I got hit.\n
W why? even though that one is gone now, why do I have to keep getting beaten? \nwhy do I have to keep getting beaten……？\n
「――!」\n「Kyaa ! ?」\n
I took an empty bottle that was near me, and bashed her with all my strength.\nBut that didn’t kill mother.\n
I didn’t have the knife.\nbut having been shattered, the bottle now looks like it could really hurt someone, as I was about to thrust it into mother ――\n
「This brat……」\n
Mother snatched the bottle from me, and stabbed me in the chest instead.\n
「Hah, hahaha! This is what’ll happen if you go against me――」\n「――h」\n
I ignored the pain …… and with all my might, pushed my mother down.\nIf I don’t have anything at hand then I’ll use my nails, I used my nails and clawed at her.\nBut it wasn’t very effective.\nThen I’ll use my teeth.\n
…… I sink my teeth down in her throat, and I ripped and devoured as hard as I can.\n
「――――」\n
I couldn’t hear what mother was saying anymore.\n
…… my consciousness was fading.\nwith blood dripping out my mouth, I walked around the house with unsteady steps.\nMaybe I just didn’t see it and there was actually still something left to eat……\n
「so h……ungry……」\n
In the end, I remained hungry up until the very end.\n\n