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Is anybody here a K-drama fan? (Me!) This chapter reminds me of the Secret Garden (2010) OST sung by Hyun Bin, The man, which is about unrequited love. I’ll leave you the lyrics as a little epigraph cuz this chap is a bit angsty.
Chapter 45. So close yet so far away
How much longer do I have to gaze at you like this alone

This love that came like the wind
This miserable love
Will you love me if I continue loving you?
Come a little closer. Just a little.
When I take one step closer to you
You take two steps away
I, who loves you, am still now next to you
This man is crying.
The man, Hyun Bin
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Yinyou’s Fu Jin family was not particularly prominent, and her father was just a Deputy Governor. Yinyou’s brothers were very satisfied with this marriage. If Yinyou’s marriage partner didn’t have a strong family, then he didn’t have what it took to compete and wasn’t a threat to them. In particular, the eldest brother, when knowing of Yinyou’s nearing marriage, simply wondered what he should give at that time.
Before getting married, the Ministry of Internal Affairs sent someone to teach Yinyou about personnel affairs1It was a tradition in Ancient China that before a man gets married, he should learn how to have intercourse so he doesn’t spend years thinking he’s working hard towards having a baby but being ridiculously wrong. Like this, the man was sent a woman to teach him and have his first experience. For Yinzhen, it was Song Ge Ge who appeared in earlier chapters. , and Consort Cheng even planned to send him a maid2This maid would become his tongfang. This is the only type of concubine men can get before marriage (it’s etiquette to not have a concubine or concubine son before getting married, tongfang it’s just a maid with a lil bit of prestige but a concubine is a half-master). If the man particularly likes this tongfang, only after getting married can the man raise this tongfang to concubine with the wife already married in. → é€šæˆż tongfang: literally “passing through the room”; the lowest rank in concubine. Usually of low birth, likely former servants. From Dreams of Jianghu. . Looking at the girl who was only thirteen years old, Yinyou firmly refused, and then flew back to his courtyard to flip through the sex education books.
The book was very detailed, the descriptions were not very subtle and the process was very clear for people to understand. For Yinyou who had watched explicit romance movies from later generations, this little thing had little effect on him. He simply read this to justify his answers to the questions from the Ministry of Internal Affairs’s people.
The wedding day was getting closer and Yinyou was so busy learning various etiquettes and rules, he didn’t have the time to go to the Ministry of Revenue. Ten days before he got married, he finally got to know everything he should know and was able to drop by to see his busy fourth brother who hadn’t even come to see him once.
As soon as Yinyou entered the gate of the Ministry of Revenue, he saw Yinzhen coming out. It was already November, the sky was gray, and the weather was cold. Yinzhen was wearing a black hat trimmed with fur, looking extraordinarily stern. When seeing him, Yinyou was stunned for a moment, and then called out, “Fourth brother.”
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Yinzhen looked at the person who hadn’t been seen for half a month standing ten steps away from him, and stopped. He had always known that Yinyou’s smile was extraordinarily gentle, and by simply looking at his smile, his chest felt hot. Yet, staring at his smiling face today, he no longer had the joy of the past.
“Fourth brother?” Seeing that Yinzhen’s expression was wrong, Yinyou approached in puzzlement, then stretched out his hand and waved in front of Yinzhen’s eyes. “Fourth brother, what are you thinking?”
Yinzhen regained his composure, “I haven’t seen you for more than ten days, and you have turned pale again.”
Yinyou looked at the back of his hand which was indeed a little bit paler, and said regretfully, “As a man, having white skin is not something to be happy about.”
“Man?” Yinzhen smiled slightly; thinking of Yinyou’s bravery on the battlefield, he felt that Yinyou was indeed a real man everywhere and his slightly lighter complexion didn’t affect this.
Reaching out to pat Yinyou’s shoulder, a complicated smile appeared on Yinzhen’s face, “Yes, you have grown up.”
Then he turned around and walked in another direction.
Yinyou stared blankly at Yinzhen’s back, but did not follow him like in the past. He didn’t understand what was going on with Yinzhen recently. Yinzhen didn’t come looking for him, and now even when he met him, he didn’t ask him to accompany him. Before
 it wasn’t like this before.
Yinyou felt a little lost. Crushing a dead leaf under his feet, he stood there, not knowing what to do for a while.
“Seventh brother?” Yinsi passed by and saw a listless Yinyou standing at the gate of the Ministry of Revenue. He approached, hesitated for a moment, and asked, “What are you doing standing here?”
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“Ah?” Yinyou turned around and saw Yinsi standing a few steps away, “Eighth brother, I’m fine.”
Seeing that Yinyou’s expression was not right, Yinsi smiled. “Since the seventh brother is fine, why don’t we go drink tea together? I heard that a new teahouse has opened recently, and the other brothers also said that it wasn’t bad.”
Yinyou thought for a while, there weren’t any other brothers around and there was only the eighth brother alone. He nodded, “That’s fine, it happens I’m also free.”
The two brothers walked forward side by side. Yinsi saw that Yinyou was still low-spirited, so he teased him, “The seventh brother is getting married soon, is there anything to be unhappy about?”
Yinyou sighed. Any uncle with a bland taste would not be very happy knowing that his future wife was an immature little girl.
“It’s not that I’m unhappy, but I don’t know what my Fu Jin will look like.” He forced a smile. “Brother, don’t think that you can make fun of me just because you married earlier.”
When Yinyou thought that Yinsi’s wedding was earlier than his, he felt he couldn’t understand Kangxi’s mind. Although both their marriage decrees were given at the same time, Kangxi actually let the younger brother marry ahead of the older brother. Just when others thought Yinyou wasn’t favored, Kangxi asked him and Yinzhen to reward the army together, which was a great honor.
Even though his actual age was as old as an uncle, why was his brain so less smart  than Kangxi? Could it be because of IQ? Kangxi was one of the greatest emperors in history, and the seventh brother was just a little dot of ink. They really weren’t comparable.
“If the seventh brother didn’t say this, I would’ve forgotten. Seventh brother, you still owe me a wedding gift.” Yinsi saw the smile on Yinyou’s face, and felt relieved. Although it was a reluctant smile, at least he was more energetic than before. “This younger brother reminds you for your own good. Don’t let this younger brother continue thinking about your good things.”
“Do you still care about this kind of thing?” Yinyou complained. “Otherwise, when I get married you don’t need to send one, then we will be even.”
“These words can’t be said. Sending a gift is regarded as etiquette and kind intentions.” Yinsi looked at Yinyou with a smile. “You can’t just not hand it over.”
Yinyou turned his head silently, and then secretly touched the white jade double fish pendant hanging on his waist. This jade pendant was quite valuable, and it could be used to buy tens of millions of things in modern times. Should he just give it away or go back and pick something else?
After walking for a while, the two came to a tea house called Manlou Qing3æ»Ąæ„Œæž… mǎnlĂłu qÄ«ng. It comes from “a famous poem in China. It means: Drunk, he knows not the sky is afloat in the water; / A boat laden with sweet dreams weighs down the Milky Way.” From HiNative. and entered a small room with famous paintings and replicas of famous brush-works hanging on the walls. It was indeed a very fresh and elegant place.
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Yinsi ordered a pot of Spring Green Shell tea, and some snacks and dried fruits before sitting down. The table was next to the window, and as long as the two got up, they could see the scenery of the street downstairs.
Tea and snacks were quickly brought in.
Seeing how Yinyou was drinking tea with his head down, he thought he must be quite fond of this tea. Yinsi asked unhurriedly, “How is the seventh brother’s injury?”
“It’s been nursed in the palace every day, and it’s all right,” Yinyou’s expression was not the least bit worried. Apart from the times when his injury made him feel pain, other times he didn’t care much about it. “Anyway, there was already something wrong with the left foot, and it’s not the whole body that’s affected. It’s a blessing to have a leg, and speaking of it, you saved my life on the battlefield.”
“Seventh brother, don’t mention it. We’re brothers.”
Yinsi thought of the scene on the battlefield. How he saw Yinyou fall off his horse after the battle ended and how Yinyou endured his injury, chasing Galdan until his face was bloodless.
Yinsi’s smiling face seemed to show admiration but also respect. “Seventh brother, if I am in such a situation, wouldn’t you also save me?”
Frankly, Yinyou was a bit stunned. He had always been more wary of Yinsi, never considered him close and even though he occasionally protected him in secret, it was only because women in his previous life often said things like how pitiful the eighth brother was; as an adult, of course he would pity children. It was inevitable to take care of Yinsi by two points, but the premise was that it did not bring him harm.
Being distracted on the battlefield was dangerous. Maybe you saved someone one moment, and your head will fall to the ground the next; just like when he saved Yinzhen, but his left foot was also injured.
With a faint smile, Yinyou took a sip of tea, “The eighth brother’s words really make me feel ashamed.”
Yinsi bowed his head slightly. “Seventh brother, you don’t have to say that.”
Among all the brothers, only the seventh brother had a disability, and for his part, his mother’s status was the lowest. Although the seventh brother treated him coldly, he was different from other brothers after all. At least, when no one paid attention to him, the seventh brother would say a polite word to alleviate his embarrassment. When learning archery, equestrian and martial arts, the seventh brother will stand not far from him, instead of being like the third, fourth or fifth child who acted like he wasn’t even there.
It was normal for the seventh brother to have a good relationship with the fourth brother. Without the fourth brother’s protection, the seventh brother may not be much better than him. It was probably fate that the fourth brother, who had always been cold-faced and cold-hearted, would be so attached to a lame brother.
E’niang once said that gathering and parting were fated, and good fortune and misfortune were all the grace of God. It’s like he got Gorolo shi as Fu Jin plus the support of the Gorolo clan, but his Fu Jin turned out to be a shrew who treated him harshly and was extremely disrespectful to his E’niang.
If there was a loss, there was a gain. He has lost too much, so he must get what he wants. Even if this seventh brother who was a little special in his heart may one day stand against him because of the Crown Prince and the fourth brother.
After all, even his own marriage can be used as a tool. This meager brotherhood can be sacrificed, even if he’s reluctant, to get what he wants, he must give it up.
Seeing Yinsi’s head buried didn’t put off Yinyou. He supported his chin in his palm as he tapped the teacup, “How can I forget this life-saving grace.”
Raising his head, what Yinsi saw was Yinyou’s smiling face, without a trace of perfunctory or alienation in him. Feeling his heart throb, he lowered his eyelids, avoiding Yinyou’s eyes. “Seventh brother is too serious.”
He felt he should pay back Yinyou’s kindness from that snowy day when he was young, as well as Yinyou’s kind reminders. Who owed more to whom, even he couldn’t figure it out.
The two chatted about poetry, and gossiped for a while, but they didn’t mention the life-saving grace.
It was the first time they had a calm and non-calculating conversation alone; Yinyou didn’t mention the eldest brother or the ninth brother, and Yinsi didn’t mention the fourth brother.
Listening to Yinsi’s views on some poems, Yinyou suddenly thought, if there was no Yinzhen, and Yinsi’s birth mother had a higher status, maybe Yinsi could really be a benevolent emperor. It was a pity that Yinsi was born at an untimely time, fate was indeed unfair to him.
After drinking tea and talking, the two went back to the palace together. When they parted, Yinyou surrendered, and gave Yinsi the double fish pendant hanging from his waist, with a look of reluctance.
Yinsi looked at Yinyou walking away, and spread his palm. The two fish on the jade pendant looked like they were about to cross the Dragon gate4韙闚 LĂłngmĂ©n. Mythical Dragon gate where a carp can transform into a dragon. You can read more here.. The carvings were vivid and clear, and while the fish’s two dorsal fins were next to each other, the head and tail were one to the left and the other to the right.
Obviously they were so close, still so far away.
1It was a tradition in Ancient China that before a man gets married, he should learn how to have intercourse so he doesn’t spend years thinking he’s working hard towards having a baby but being ridiculously wrong. Like this, the man was sent a woman to teach him and have his first experience. For Yinzhen, it was Song Ge Ge who appeared in earlier chapters. 2This maid would become his tongfang. This is the only type of concubine men can get before marriage (it’s etiquette to not have a concubine or concubine son before getting married, tongfang it’s just a maid with a lil bit of prestige but a concubine is a half-master). If the man particularly likes this tongfang, only after getting married can the man raise this tongfang to concubine with the wife already married in. → é€šæˆż tongfang: literally “passing through the room”; the lowest rank in concubine. Usually of low birth, likely former servants. From Dreams of Jianghu. 3æ»Ąæ„Œæž… mǎnlĂłu qÄ«ng. It comes from “a famous poem in China. It means: Drunk, he knows not the sky is afloat in the water; / A boat laden with sweet dreams weighs down the Milky Way.” From HiNative.4韙闚 LĂłngmĂ©n. Mythical Dragon gate where a carp can transform into a dragon. You can read more here.