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If the Crown Prince had previously been the kind of person who knew how to give up a little bit of what he had for Jiwoo’s sake, then she would have gladly gone into the gutter with a smile on her face.
He might have thought that she was happy to exhaust her body, devote herself to him, and eat only a piece of his love. He probably didn’t even know that she was dying while barely alive. Even so, he wouldn’t even look this way.
“Uhk. Huff… Uh…”
Then she would go back to the temple, cut herself with a knife to treat the sick, feed others with her blood, and barely hold on to the desperate madmen trying to stab her. She would walk alone for days and days on a barren land where there was nothing and spilled blood along the way.
Was the position of Crown Princess worth it?
When did she ever say she wanted something like that?
Was he offering the position of Crown Princess because he wanted her to do that again?
Someone who loves her?
Love?
What is love?
“Uh, hicc…”
“Seo Jiwoo, the temple bastards are not here. There’s no one.”
Tevon’s large hand stroked her back.
“Breathe. You have to breathe… Okay, Seo Jiwoo? Slowly…”
Tears came out. Tears came out, but not because she was sad.
Five years was not a short time. Seo Jiwoo, who only knew how to live as an Akarna, had forgotten how to live as a human being. She couldn’t even breathe properly on her own. She didn’t know how to laugh as a human or how to cry as a human.
Am I human? Am I a person? Are they treating me like a person?
“Seo Jiwoo.”
Tevon shook her shoulder. Her mind was spinning. She only got even more dizzy.
“I’ll decide for you. You’re crying because you’re annoyed.”
“……”
“It’s as if he gave up his c*ck for you as he would with alms, yet acts as if he had given up on something so great.”
“What…”
“Isn’t it like that? He wants you to be his slave for at least five years, yet he should be grateful if he could even just get the position of a number 30-something concubine.”
Tevon managed to catch his breath as he tried to speak again.
“But even that’s not enough. Understand? I told you. You should negotiate because you have the upper hand. That’s what you’re disappointed with, right?”
Tevon wiped her tears and pressed their foreheads together. Not a single word Tevon said entered her head, but the constant, comforting stroking on her back and the rough but kind words calmed her little by little.
“Okay? You have to heed my words carefully.”
“Yes…”
“And we have no intention of giving you up either. Understand?”
“Yes…”
“This is becoming such a mess.”
After Jiwoo finally regained her breath and closed her eyes, Tevon decided that he had to return to the village ahead of schedule. Although he relaxed in front of him, the Crown Prince was no ordinary human.
He couldn’t forget the look in the Crown Prince’s eyes that had been watching him intently until they moved away from him. The Crown Prince may be cowardly, but he was sincere when he spoke of love. (t/n: IT HAS BEGUN!! Hold onto your hearts!)
Tevon’s senses had become developed like that of a wild animal, and he had a hunch.
The village would soon be discovered by the Crown Prince, who was looking for Seo Jiwoo.
* * *
Jiwoo returned to the village in Tevon’s arms.
Perhaps Jiwoo’s unusual condition could be seen from a distance, familiar people came closer.
They said something towards her, but her mind couldn’t register any of it. She couldn’t answer because she didn’t hear them even when they were talking to her.
In her ears, only constant ringing was heard.
In the first place, there were not many people in this world who wanted to hear what she had to say.
The soldiers and the Crown Prince who were looking for the Akarna.
The word Akarna they chanted triggered Jiwoo’s emotions that she had built up along with the habits accumulated for five years.
It was natural for others to discuss her. It is their job to decide where the Akarna will be dispatched and select the list. Whatever they chose, she had to do as she was told.
Oh, she got tired in an instant. When she closed her eyes for a moment, everything went dark.
It was only then that she realized that her mind was too tired to accept the sensations pouring into her.
* * *
When she opened her eyes once more, it was dark everywhere. She felt dizzy as if she had been crying for hours.
“Would you like some water?”
The void spoke to Jiwoo. Then someone held out a glass of water as if they had been waiting.
As she took the water cup, a magic circle floated right above it and poured out the water.
Jiwoo blankly watched as the cold water was being made.
“Seo Jiwoo, are you okay?”
Only then did Jiwoo raise his head. Callandein’s worried face came up close.
“…I think I’m okay.”
“It doesn’t look like that to me.”
Callan confirmed that Jiwoo drank the full cup of water, and spoke somewhat hesitantly.
“I wasn’t sure what you’d think, so I brought in people who you wouldn’t be shy with.”
Jiwoo raised her head and looked at those who were looking at her.
Lanceil, who said he was happy to be the first. Helkainis, who thanked her for extending his life. Callandein, who said he had no intention of receiving only love. And Enciertes, who said he only had Elandos. They were all watching her.
For some reason, Tevon was not here.
“What do you think? Do you not like it?”
Callan asked nervously.
“Ah…”
Memories slowly came to her mind. The reason they were here.
They said there was a reward. And the reason they devoted themselves to preparing the reward was because they needed her to do something in return.
And that was something only Akarna could do.
Seo Jiwoo’s expression darkened as she realized her situation again.
“…Callan, I… don’t want to do something as an Akarna.”
Jiwoo quietly opened her mouth.
“You said you would try to love me. But I don’t know what love is. I don’t know if I want to marry you… or not. Honestly, I don’t know whether I want to go to El Ragneil with you or not.”
Jiwoo spoke honestly.
“I just want to rest… I just… I’m here because it’s a place where I can breathe, at least. Not because I like you guys.”
This was a place she just came across by accident. It was not somewhere some great fate had led. It was not a place she desperately wanted to stay. But she didn’t even want to leave as well.
Enciertes, who had been listening quietly, spoke.
“…I know.”
“What do you mean, you know?”
Jiwoo lowered her gaze and spoke dryly.
She didn’t understand her own feelings. She only knew how to kill her emotions and hold her breath, so she forgot how to look back on her mind.
How could she let others know about her feelings that she didn’t even know about herself?
“I know you’re thinking nonsense.”
Enciertes shut his mouth as if that was what he had to say.
Normally, he would have turned his head away, but for some reason, his transparent eyes were staring at me.
“Seo Jiwoo,” Helkainis said. “That premise is wrong. We’re here to reward you, not to demand anything from you.”
Callan followed, “This is just a small part of the compensation we can give you. If you don’t like it, you can change it to something else.”
“What if I… won’t heal Ellandos? Do you still need me here?”
They all fell silent.
Seo Jiwoo spat out the words and immediately regretted it. She shouldn’t have done that. She had acted like a child.
Ellandos would be important to them, she was a terrible human being.
They were the few people who were kind to her. If they say they would abandon her, she would have nowhere to go. Jiwoo closed her eyes tightly and trembled.
A large hand wrapped around my trembling hand.
“Does that change that you saved my life?”
It was Lanceil.
“At the very least, I will stay loyal to you. I’m your first. And that won’t change. No matter what you are, I like you. Won’t this be enough?”
Lanceil spoke like a knight when he was not even a knight.
Jiwoo’s face reddened.
She didn’t know much about love. To Jiwoo, love was still too violent a feeling.
Violent emotions that could dry herself out, and drive her to extremities.
But at least saying that he likes her, she thought she could accept it.
“I like you. Will this be okay for now?”
It was as if he was a small animal that would sneak up on you so it wouldn’t startle you.
Jiwoo, who was hesitant, nodded in the end. At least these were the people who could tell Jiwoo about rewards.
The emotions that had been standing on edge like a blade the whole time softened.
She didn’t know why. She didn’t want to think about it.
Lanceil, who held her hand, kissed her on the lips first. The lips that quickly escaped after making light contact, approached Jiwoo again and held her lower lip as Jiwoo stayed still.
As his sweet tongue pressed in followed by a damp breath, Jiwoo realized that she had finally accepted them.
—
t/n: i’ve had my fair share of depressing novels but this is just huhhh… sad… T.T