āTuuli, whatās going on? What happened? Is Lutz alright?ā
Falling back on the bed with a flop, I rapidly fire questions at her, causing her to show a troubled expression. She frowns and strokes my head soothingly.
āSorry, MaĆÆne. I told you since your fever has subsided but⦠itās bad for you to get agitated. Your fever will act up again.ā
āTuuli, tell me.ā
I grab Tuuliās hand and beg her incessantly until she sighs deeply and gives in.
ā⦠I will go call Ralph, so rest a little first. Okay?ā
Once she sees me nod, Tuuli turns around and leaves the room. I hear the sound of the door opening and closing, and the telltale click of the lock before Tuuliās footsteps fade away. I listened to all that while lying curled up.
Just as Iām beginning to get impatient, I hear quiet footsteps approaching. The door is unlocked and someone comes in.
ā⦠Ralph, what happened to Lutz?ā
Ralph, having been brought along by Tuuli, sees how Iāve been confined to my bed by my fever and sighs.
āI was definitely expecting you to be sheltering himā¦ā
āI told you before, didnāt I? MaĆÆne has been stuck in bed for three days. Thereās no way she could know anything about Lutz running from your house last night.ā
Tuuliās cheeks swell as she pouts.
āIām sorry for doubting you.ā Apologizing to Tuuli, Ralph turns my way.
āYesterday, Lutz was really angry at Dad when he got home, yellingĀ Why do you have to keep standing in my way?!Ā andĀ Iāve endured for so long, but I canāt take it anymore. Iām leaving!ā
From Ralphās words, I understood why Lutz had run away from home. Iām pretty sure he heard from Benno the reason why he canāt be taken along outside the city. I was a little relieved upon hearing that. Lutz is probably taking shelter at Bennoās place. Even if he isnāt officially adopted immediately, he should still be treated properly.
āMom was really upset but Dad said that we should just leave him alone and that he would probably be right back. We thought heād be back as soon as he got hungry but he still hadnāt returned in the morning and even past noonā¦I canāt help worrying. MaĆÆne, do you know where he could be?ā
The anxious feeling in my chest grew at Ralphās words. If heās with Benno, Lutz should be working. It would be impossible for Ralph to not know where he is.
āIf you are saying that you donāt know where he is⦠does it mean that Lutz hasnāt gone to work either?ā
āThat is⦠I donāt know that guyās workplaceā¦ā
Ralph averts his gaze in embarrassment.
I couldnāt believe what I was hearing for a second. Even though itās only been about two and a half months since the coming-of-age ceremony, Lutz has been coming and going from the Gilberta Company for almost a year. Itās a shop that he frequented before becoming an apprentice.
āYou donāt know? Itās the Gilberta Company, no?ā
ā⦠I know the name. You visited Siegās workshop before, didnāt you? But even Sieg doesnāt know where to find their shop.ā
āSo if Lutz and I hadnāt gone to Siegās workshop⦠you probably wouldnāt know about it even now?ā
Ralph awkwardly turns away at my incredulous, verifying question. Seeing Ralph in such state, Tuuli exclaims āI canāt believe it!ā
āWait, Ralph! You donāt know the workplace of your younger brother? Surely, you talk about work with your family, right?ā
I know that thereās a difference between how much and what men and women talk about, but this is a little excessive, isnāt it? I donāt know if itās because they do not want to listen to Lutzā side at all, or if theyāre just indifferent, but not even knowing where to search for Lutz after he runs away is a problem. I reach out and clutch his shirt cuff.
ā⦠Hey, Ralph. I know itās not any of my business but you should really talk to Lutz more.ā
āItās Lutz who never talks! In the first place, arenāt I the one enduring? No matter how much opposition he gets from our family, heās been doing whatever he wants! Even on his days off, he doesnāt come to the forest to help forage! Tell me, what exactly is he enduring?ā
Ralph suddenly glares at me, slapping my hand away as he shouted out.
āRalph, donāt be rough with MaĆÆne! Her fever still hasnāt gone down!ā
āS-, sorryā¦ā
Well aware that I have been monopolizing Lutzās days off, I back him up while thinkingĀ Donāt give me a headache with your loud voice!
āIsnāt Lutz working on his days off? Whether heās summoned by Benno or working for me, he always gets paid, right? Itās not like heās playing around.ā
It really seems like thereās almost no conversation between them at all. Eyes widening in surprise, Ralph lightly shakes his head.
ā⦠I didnāt know that.ā
It looks like conversation has been stilted due to the tensions in the house, but Ralph is genuinely worried about Lutz not coming home. Thereās no doubt about that. And ultimately the one that has to talk to Ralph is Lutz, not me.
āTuuli.ā
I look up at Tuuli. Given that she had gone to buy clothes with me, Tuuli has met not only Benno but also several of his employees. Having her go with Ralph would probably be better than him suddenly barging in all by himself.
āPlease take Ralph to the Gilberta Company. Itās fine if he still doesnāt want to go home as long as heās okay. Can you just go and check if heās safe? Please.ā
āIām worried about Lutz as well, so I hope it all works out. Letās go, Ralph.ā
Ralph glances back over his shoulder as Tuuli grabs his hand and leads him out of the room, looking like heās worried about my condition. I can only respond with a powerless smile.
Ralph has always been the big brother who takes care of others. Even now heās worrying about Lutz, even though he resents how Lutz has been doing as he pleases.
Although neither Lutz nor Ralph fundamentally hates the other, the relationship between the two brothers has soured. I close my eyes and hope that Ralph can have a proper conversation with Lutz once he sees Lutzā situation with his own eyes.
The sun is setting when I wake up. From the window, a bright beam of light is shining directly on my face.
It seems like Tuuli has already returned from Bennoās store. I hear the sounds of her preparing dinner from the kitchen. Iām thirsty, so I pick up the wooden cup and quench my thirst. As if she can sense me moving, Tuuli pops her head around the open door.
āMaĆÆne, are you awake? Do you think you will be able to eat?ā
Once I nod and sit up with a rustle, Tuuli brings a bread gruel to the bed. While I tuck in, Tuuli tells me what happened after they headed to the store.
āLutz was present at the store and doing his job properly. He looked fine.ā
āI see. Thatās good.ā
Iām relieved that the worst-case scenario of him getting involved in trouble after leaving his home or being turned away by Benno hasnāt occurred.
āWhen he found Lutz, Ralph told him to come home quickly and tried to bring him back by force. Lutz told him that he was bothering him in the middle of work and it turned into a dispute. Ralph got angry and left after shouting āto hell with you!ā⦠Ralphās dad was at work as well, and it seems like he told Ralph to leave Lutz alone.ā
I feel my heart constrict as I see the small crack in Lutzā family widening into a chasm that cannot be fixed.
āI understand that you are worried, but MaĆÆne, if you donāt get better quickly, you wonāt be able to go visit him either, right?ā
ā⦠Yeah.ā
āāāāā
It was Gil rather than Lutz who came to pick me up the next day. It seems Lutz told him to act as his substitute for a while. Although he made the effort to get me, I canāt go to the temple since my fever hasnāt subsided yet.
Watching me as I lay on the bed, Gil worriedly peers at my face.
āSister MaĆÆne, your fever still hasnāt gone down?ā
āYeah. Since I will have to monitor my condition for a day even after it goes down, can you come again in three days?ā
Gil nods anxiously, and kneels by my bedside, grabbing my right hand and lowering his head as if kissing the back of my hand. Gil presses his forehead against the back of my hand and begins to pray.
āI pray for Sister MaĆÆne to receive the divine protection of the Goddess of Healing, Lungschummel.ā
āThank you. I pray that you also receive the godsā blessing, Gil.ā
Gil went back with a painfully reluctant expression and, as promised, came to pick me up again three days later.
Because my fever has gone down and I finally have my familyās permission to go outside, I leave with Gil. Lutzās absence feels weird somehow and I canāt settle down.
Once we descend the stairs and leave the building, I spot Lutzā mother, Aunt Karla, doing the laundry by the well. I run up to her and ask,
āAunt Karla, has Lutz still not come back?ā
Aunt Karla shakes her head silently. The appearance of a cheerful, chatty old lady with startling intensity and a fine physique is gone. Now she looks haggard.
āMaĆÆne⦠do you know about Lutzās circumstances?ā
āI heard about it from Ralph and Tuuli, but I had to stay in bed the whole time because of my fever. I had planned to go to the store today and see Lutzā situation, butā¦ā
āI see. Can you tell me if heās okay?ā
āYes, I can check on him.ā
I agree, thinking that it would have been fine if she had gone to visit him by herself, given the circumstances. Gil and I leave the square.
āGil, I want to check on Lutz, so please stop by the store, okay?ā
āItās fine as long as itās a place you want to go to, Sister MaĆÆne. I mean, it will be alright even without that old lady worrying so much, wonāt it? One can survive without parents. There are no parents at the orphanage.ā
ā⦠I guess thatās true.ā
When I stepped into the orphanage for the first time, I fully grasped the meaning of children being unwanted. Thatās because the orphans, who were living without any parents, must have thought that it would be alright even if they didnāt exist, feeling as if they shouldnāt be alive.
Once we arrive at the Gilberta Company, we are greeted with a broad smile by Mark. Behind him, Lutz is recording something on a writing board.
āGood morning, MaĆÆne. Is your physical condition alright now?ā
āGood morning, Mark. My fever has finally subsided. Rather than that, I heard that Lutz ran away from homeā¦ā
āPlease, letās take that inside, okay? A few days ago, people concerned with Lutz have disturbed the store and even the employees are slightly worked up.ā
Mark had interrupted my speech with a gentle smile as he spoke. It seems there were others besides Ralph who showed up at the store and tried to take Lutz back home.
If poor people, who donāt care about their attire, turn up at a store that deals with sales of high class and quality goods for noble business partners and kick up a fuss, it will likely give the store a bad image. If it goes on like this, Lutzā position will get worse as well. I hold my tongue and nod.
āMaster, it looks like MaĆÆne wishes to speak with Lutz, so we will go this way, alright?ā
ā⦠You do remember that this is a lounge and not a counseling room, right Mark?ā
āI have taken that into account.ā
Heās smiling, but Benno acknowledges it with a sigh after being overwhelmed by Markās uncompromising aura.
āExcuse me, Mister Benno. Although it would also be fine if we went outsideā¦ā
āNo, talk inside. Last night Lutzā mother came to my house instead of the store and went on a tirade about how we have to return Lutz right away and that we are kidnappers, you know? Mark got angry and turned her away.ā
āIām sorry, master.ā
Imagining how Aunt Karla must have yelled at them with her usual intensity, I felt dejected. Immediately following that, I shudder at hearing that Mark had snapped at her. For him to be able to turn away Aunt Karla, just what had happened? I wonder if the reason why she looks so exhausted as if sheās become another person entirely might be because of this?
Having a hunch that itās better if I donāt ask about the details, I turn to face Lutz.
āLutz, how is it going right now? Are you are staying at Mister Bennoās place?ā
āEven if you ask me how⦠Iām living in the attic after taking my luggage there? Thatās why I didnāt know about mum until this morningā¦ā
Aunt Karla was apparently chased away without being able to meet with Lutz. Now that I understand the reason she wanted me to check on his situation, I have complicated feelings.
ā⦠you say. Wait? The attic?ā
āI mean, thereās no other place for me to stay besides there, right?ā
Lutz said that heās living in the attic that was used as a storeroom. Thatās the treatment of a live-in apprentice. Benno, who did say that heās considering to adopt him, has decided not to give him any additional support.
āWhatās this about, Mister Benno!? Didnāt you want to adopt Lutz!?ā
ā⦠Me adopted by master? Huh? What are you talking about?ā
Guessing from the look of the bewildered Lutz, it appears that Benno hasnāt told Lutz anything.
Sending a glare my way, Benno looks down on me with eyes full of fury. āYou idiot!ā
āEven if I want to adopt him, thereās no way that I can arbitrarily adopt him legally without the permission of his parents. This is a path chosen by Lutz after I explained the circumstances to him. Putting that aside, how many times have I told you to stop speaking without using your brain!? Donāt spout off talking about adoption in a situation where itās not possible to get the parentsā approval, like a moron!ā
ā⦠Ah.ā
Damn it, even if I hold my tongue now, itās already too late.
Lutzā eyes lose their luster. The difficulties of living alone have likely been weighing on him since he ran away. Lutzās eyes, usually full of hope for the future, become hard as he finds a target for his frustration.
āMaĆÆne, you knew about this?ā
Benno interjects. āI talked to her. For the sake of obtaining information about your parents and your home life, okay?ā
āMasterā¦ā
Lutzā eyes waver slightly due to Bennoās words. Lutz looks at me with eyes similar to those of a lost child whoās looking for his own place in this world.
āBut, if thatās so⦠if you knew, why didnāt you tell me?ā
āBecause I thought you would act like this, Lutz. Turning your back on your familyā¦I didnāt want to break your family apart since mine means so much to me.ā
I didnāt want to do something like wrecking Lutzā family, but even so, I believed that if Benno could take Lutz in⦠if he could adopt him, it would be fine as long as he first made sure it was Lutzā choice.
I thought that, if Benno was with him, it would be unlikely to turn into a situation where Lutz would have to endure the cruel life of a live-in apprentice until adulthood, when only then he could finally be able to move free of his parents meddling. However, the reality of the situation is that Lutz is now a runaway, living in the attic as a live-in apprentice, and he is unable to be adopted without his parentsā permission. After a mere five days of this, Lutzās eyes have lost their usual luster.
āAre you also saying that itās my fault, MaĆÆne? My fault for running awayā¦ā
His family probably said the same things as Ralph,Ā Donāt be selfish and come back home!Ā Donāt do whatever you like!Ā The one causing trouble for the store is you! Havenāt you had enough of this already!?Ā I heard from Tuuli that Ralph had told Lutz things like that.
If Lutz apologizes and goes back home, he should be able to live like before again. But he would be toldĀ Look, we told you so, something like being a live-in apprentice was impossible for you after all, and his determination would be reduced to selfishness. He would be able to live, but not only would he be suppressed, he wouldnāt be able to say anything either.
I donāt want to see such a thing happen to Lutz, so I deny it right away.
āI never said it was your fault, Lutz. Thereās no way I would say that, is there? I know how much effort you are putting into this, Lutz. I also know what you have been enduring all this time.ā
āI seeā¦ā
Relieved, Lutz breathes out a bit. Meeting his jade-green eyes, I continue.
āNo matter what happens, Iām your ally, Lutz. Iām here right now because you told me that I was fine just as I am.ā
I know how it feels to shut yourself away and feel like you have no real allies around you. I didnāt feel like I had a place I belonged, and had been suffering under that. The one who changed that, telling meĀ Itās okay if youāre my MaĆÆne, was Lutz. If only I could give Lutz a little of the sense of that same security I had received from his words.
āThatās why I will tell you as well. Lutz, itās fine if you stay as you are. I will always support you. I will help you with all my power, just like you helped me, so depend on me when it gets tough.ā
Lutz hugs me with a teary smile.
āHaha⦠What an unreliable ally. It looks to me like you will get crushed before I can depend on you.ā
I am almost crushed in Lutzās arms with that declaration, as I tap sullenly on Lutzās back.
ā⦠I can help at least a little.ā
āWith what for example?ā
I can hear him sniffing close to my ear. Nonetheless, it feels like Lutzā voice has become a lot brighter.
āAre you going to eat lunch together with meā¦? Since thereās no kitchen in the attic, you canāt make any meals, right?ā
ā⦠Telling me to eat with you, itās not like you are the one making it, MaĆÆne.ā
āThat will be a big help, Milady; that is what you were about to say, right?ā I gently whisper.
Lutz lifts his head and chuckles. Iām relieved that his usual, positive smile has returned. Maybe Iāve helped Lutz a little.
ā⦠Hey, are you done now?ā
Benno calls out to us with an exasperated expression, resting his chin on his hands as he props his elbows on the desk. I tilt my head to the side while patting Lutzā back.
ā⦠Itās fine, but what do you mean?ā
āWell, if you are satisfied, return to your work.ā
Lutz separates from me in a hurry and leaves the room after Benno waves his hand and says āDisappear at once.ā
As I try to politely disappear as well, Benno starts talking while still staring after Lutz.
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āMaĆÆne, I understand your feelings of wanting to handle this situation as soon as possible, but from the looks of it the matter, adoption will have to wait. Given his motherās threatening attitude yesterday, there wonāt be any room to discuss it unless they calm down. ā
Bennoās words, coldly logical despite the circumstances, make me feel like Iāve swallowed something bitter and thereās a lump in my throat.
āIt looks like he will have to live like this for a while, so even if he can bear it now, it will take a toll on him if his quality of living drops any further. In my current situation I canāt interfere since it will also affect the reputation of the store. Imagine if we are accused of kidnapping, tricking him and whatever else Lutzās family might say. If you say that you are Lutzā ally, then help him as much as possible.ā
ā⦠Yes.ā
Even if he leaves home, Lutz should be able to fully devote himself to his work once he becomes Bennoās adopted child. He should be able to fulfill his own dream of going outside the city to build a workshop for producing paper.
Itās troublesome if itās something like becoming a live-in apprentice and suffering more hardships than he has alreadyā¦
Just as Benno says, if Lutz continues such a harsh life, he will likely fall apart. It might result in him resenting his family for not accepting it, and he might blame himself.
I wonder if there is anything I can do for him, just like when he supported me. Unable to come up with a single reasonable method, I sigh heavily.