She found Alois in the old storeroom, next to his own bedroom.
It was a room that he didnât want to let anyone enter, a room where Nicole snuck in one day and broke an important plate. Just why on earth did he come here of all places to eat? In front of that family portrait, its frame covered in dust, Alois sat alone at a table as he ate something, his back turned to Camilla.
As soon as she had stepped into the room, she had felt a crawling sensation on her skin. The room was so full of rampant magical energy that even Camilla, someone who had next to no magical power herself, knew just how powerful it was.
Even though she hesitated for a brief moment, Camilla eventually steeled herself and marched into the room.
âLord Alois!â
âIâm sorry, but please leave me alone for now.â
However, as if to curtail Camilla who had plucked up her courage to face him, Alois wouldnât even turn to face her.
âIâll be fine. Just for today, please leave me alone.â
Camilla frowned as he tried to push her away with his words once again. This man, is he always going to be so set on building walls around himself?
âThereâs nothing you can do for me, Camilla. Please, for today, just go back to your room.â
âAs if I could do such a thing!?â
Ignoring Aloisâ words, Camilla kept striding boldly into the room. The only things that could be heard for a brief moment were Camillaâs footsteps, as well as the quiet and restrained sounds of Alois eating. He eats and eats, even if he shouldnât.
âLord Alois, just what on earth are you eating!?â
She bellowed that out as she walked over to him,
ââŚIboku wonder, just what have I been eating all this time?â
âLord Alois?â
âThe food I eat, just what is it meant to be?â
From where she stood, Camilla could only see Aloisâ back The portrait of the former Duke and Duchess hanging above Alois seemed to cast a shadow down on the table.
âTaste doesnât matter. I canât think about whether itâs good or bad. The only thing Iâm allowed to do is chew and swallow. There could have been poison mixed into my food for years and I wouldnât have known. Or, perhaps, Iâve just become accustomed to enjoying poison?â
âLord Alois!â
âI knew that something like this would happen sooner or later. Neither father, nor mother, nor anyone would allow me to change. Things such as meeting new people or trying to move forward, I knew they were forbidden, the only thing Iâm allowed to do is protect this land, as it was. Someone like me, who disregards his fatherâs will like this, has no value at all in the eyes of his servants.â
âDo you even hear what youâre saying!?â
She could barely understand the words that Alois muttered under his breath. But, even though Camilla raised her voice at him, he still kept talking.
âThis dish is my repentance, my parentâs will, and also⌠their insurance. Just why am I still alive? I donât understandâŚâ
Something in the room began to stir⌠was it dust? The magical energy in the room popped and crackled viciously. As he kept speaking, Aloisâ voice began to waver as well.
âJust why couldnât I swallow it? Just why did I spit it out? And even vomit? Father and mother would never permit me to do something like that⌠But, when I saw that flower, for some reason I thought that I didnât want to dieâŚâ
âLord Alois!â
Words were meaningless now. Standing behind Alois, Camilla grabbed his shoulders as firmly as she could.
Alois, who had been eating elegantly with his knife and fork even now, finally set them down. She didnât hear them drop to the table. She also did her best to ignore the burning pain from the magical energy that ran through her hands as she touched Alois.
âPlease get a hold of yourself this instant, Lord Alois!â
âI do have a hold of myself, Camilla. I always do.â
Alois turned around to look at her, the turn throwing off one of her hands as if the force Camilla was using to grasp his shoulders was nothing.
âI always did my best to be a good son. And I was, until I met you.â
He ate all the dishes served to him just like his parents wanted and he gained weight just as his parents expected. He ate dish after dish that could have contained any amount of poison, and he was ready to die any time.
Alois never complained, and always strived to meet otherâs expectations. It wasnât because he didnât want to die. But, instead, because he wanted to be a âgood sonâ for his parents.
And yetâŚ
âBut, father wonât forgive me now. Mother wonât look my way either. The person who poisoned me was acting as my fatherâs hand. That means Iâve been a bad boy, CamillaâŚâ
Alois looked up at Camilla. His face was completely different from that usual subdued expression he wore.
He was grimacing sadly, his eyes puffy and red.
He looked delicate and vulnerable like he would break at a single push. That face of his that looked on the verge of tears⌠it was a young boyâs face.
âFather and mother, theyâre always watching. They know what I did to them. They know that I should have died instead of them⌠they know that with my own hands, I killed them myself!â
Alois suddenly grasped at Camillaâs arm that still held his shoulder. He looked utterly desperate as he grabbed her slender arm with both of his hands.
âI have to be a good lord! A good son! Otherwise, the only thing I can do is die! I can still feel them cursing me, even now!â
His magical power began to swirl visibly around him. One of the old vases in the room shattered, smashed to pieces by a violent lashing of magical energy. But Camilla kept staring straight at Alois, ignoring the distant sound.
â He really is too much of a good boy.
Camilla recalled the impression that sheâd had of Alois time and time again as she grew to know him.
Rather than a good man, or even a good person, he reminded her of a âgood boyâ. And now, she knew the reason.
Alois was still a child. He was still merely a boy who remained bound to his parentâs will, not allowed to spread his wings at all. He was still afraid of his father and mother and did everything to keep in their good graces, without doing anything for himself. It was as if for this child, who didnât know how to be selfish, time itself had stopped.
That was the true nature of the man known as Alois Montchat. The truth that was buried in his heart, beyond his meek appearance. Fragile and vulnerable, thatâs why he kept everyone at armâs length, for fear that what little he had would break at the slightest of touches.
Perhaps Alois too was aware of just how twisted it was.
He must have always been a clever child, even back when he truly was a child. That cleverness was why he hadnât failed. That cleverness too was why he took that burden onto himself because he deluded himself into thinking that he both could and should.
âI wanted to change.â
Alois still gripped Camillaâs arm as he looked up at her.
âI was scared of change, but, I thought that if you were with me, I really could. But, this is too much. Iâm scared. Iâm scared, I donât want to be betrayed again!â
ââŚBetrayed?â
âI canât ever be free of my father and mother. I can always feel them there⌠All I see are bits and pieces of memories, and most of them are bitter, but sometimes I see my motherâs smile⌠If the only memories I had were painful, then this wouldnât be so hard, but those glimpses I see are⌠They might have actually loved me, once!â
When his parents had died, Alois had inadvertently felt an unmistakable sense of relief. But, that sense of relief in of itself had festered into a burden of tormented guilt. Those vague and fleeting memories of a gentle motherâs smile, whose face he couldnât even remember anymore, were like poison to Alois. Just how could he conflate his motherâs smile with a person he knew he was relieved to have seen died?
Every time Alois had hoped, those hopes had been betrayed. But still, he had kept hoping. Like an infant, waiting for their mother.
âJust what are these memories? Iâm sure that my parents never loved me⌠Then, just why do I have them? Where do these memories come from?â
Alois wallowed in blind confusion at those fragmented memories. In that sense too, he couldnât move forward. Like a lost child, wandering alone through the dark swamp, as the mud slowly mired around his legs.
ââŚPlease help me.â
Alois muttered so softly that it was almost a whisper. As Aloisâ emotions began to twist in fear, the magic in the air shimmered and swayed. He was trembling. The strong grip he had of Camillaâs arm before had become weak.
âYou have to help me, Camilla. Please, please help meâŚâ
Like a child clinging to his parent, Alois whimpered. Tears finally began to form in the eyes of that child, who had held them back all this time. They began to pool in those red eyes, slipping slowly down his cheeks.
âI want to change. I donât want to be scared of mother and father anymoreâŚâ
The tears streamed down to his chin now. Then, suddenly, he began to grip Camillaâs arm strongly. It hurt.
âI have to get out of here. I want to leave it behind. Thatâs all I want, but⌠Iâm not strong enoughâŚ!â
Aloisâ desire to change wasnât something that was permitted either by his parents or the people of this land. Even if they poisoned him, he had to remain the same. If he changed, he would die.
But, even so, he couldnât help himself. Alois truly wanted to change. He wanted the power to overcome that fear.
âCamilla, please, you have to take me away from here. I canât be here anymore, so-â
âPleaseâ, the word never came out of his mouth, swallowed up by the sudden dry sound that echoed through the room as something hard struck against his cheek.
Alois slowly took his hands off Camilla and held his cheek. Just what was that pain? His skin was starting to redden.
âI am not your mother.â
As much as Aloisâ cheek ached, so did Camillaâs hand sting.
That was the first time she had ever struck anyone in anger, and she didnât expect her palm to hurt quite so much.
Was it due to the pain? Or simply the shock? Either way, the swirling magical energy became even more violent than before.
The dish on the table broke apart with a bang. Even though the jagged pieces cut at her skin as they flew, Camilla didnât stop.
âIâm not going to coddle you. And I canât simply save you, either. Lord Alois, just how old are you now?â
Alois stared silently at Camilla. He looked like a child who had been struck by his own mother.
âYouâll be twenty-four soon. Whatâs more, it has been nearly nine years since your parents passed. Youâre a fine adult. Who even has the right to tear you down?â
In place of a voice, the magic that surrounded Alois expressed his emotion. Raging out of control, it knocked ornaments and books off the shelves and even left cuts on Camillaâs skin. Constantly cracking and snapping through the air, the sound of the rampaging magic was constant.
It looked like even Alois was frightened by the maelstrom now. Perhaps, it may have reminded him of the time that his parents died.
âNobody has the right to tear you down if you really want to change. But, I canât just praise you or comfort you because you ask for it. Thereâs no use expecting something like that from me. Iâm not your mother, and I donât want to be your mother either.â
ââŚCamilla.â
âSuffering is something you have to deal with yourself, and you have to save yourself with your own two hands as well. You also have to know your own limits. You have to make a decision by yourself if things have gone too far. Because thatâs what an adult does!â
âBut, IâŚâ
âIf you want change, start with changing yourself. You want to lose weight!? Then limit the amount of food youâre eating by yourself! Exercise as well is something you have to do because you want to do it as well. Youâre not a child anymore!â
As she said that, Camilla clapped Aloisâ cheeks between her hands. Then, she smooshed and stretched out his face with her fingers. Because she felt like if she let go now, he wouldnât keep his eyes on her.
âIâm not going to coddle you and Iâm not just going to just tell you what you want to hear! Sometimes, I might even say the things youâd rather not hear at all! But, if you ever want someone to talk to, then I donât mind listening! Donât just keep it all to yourself, like there isnât anyone around you who cares!â
Even if it wasnât Camilla, GĂźnter or Klaus would always hear Alois out if he needed someone to talk to. If there was a problem, they could put their heads together to find a solution.
Despite that, Alois always refused when people held their hands out towards him. His fear, his guilt from the past, and his parentsâ binding words, Alois used these to keep people away.
But, if he truly stopped to look, he would understand. Aloisâ parents werenât here any more. Instead, there were all sorts of people who would look his way instead. People who trusted Alois, because he had earned that trust.
âCamillaâŚâ
Alois suddenly extended a hand towards Camilla again. As he did, the tears began to well up in his eyes again. He tried to keep them back, but they hopelessly spilt over all the same. But, he took a deep breath, swallowing down the sob in his throat.
âI want to change.â
Alois bit his lip, then kept talking, his voice tired and soft.
âI canât let things stay the way they are. I want to change. I want to change, Camilla.â
Aloisâ arm looped behind Camillaâs back, holding her tightly. She didnât realize that Alois had pulled her into a hug before it was too late.
âW-what are youâŚâ
Even if her eyes suddenly opened wide in surprise, and she tried to escape him, Alois didnât let her go. Aloisâs tear-streaked face was so close.
Nine years⌠Or, perhaps, even longer than that. These were the tears that Alois had kept inside all that time.
âCamillaâŚâ
Alois shut his eyes tight. She could see the tears glistening on those silver eyelashes. Camilla couldnât say a word, as she was transfixed by him, who only wept in silence now.
She kept watching him without saying anything. She forgot his sudden hug and just kept staring at him.
Those tears that changed a boy into a man subtly caught the light of the single lit candlestick in the room. The flickering reflections that ran down his cheek looked like they had been caught alight.
âCamilla, please stay by my side. Please, donât go back to the capital. There are all sorts of dangers around me. And this land itself isnât safe. There are so many things that might hurt you. ButâŚâ
Aloisâ voice was faint, but his words were clear.
âI want you to stay here, by my side. I want to change, with you at my sideâŚ!â
The magical power in the room had converged back on its master before she knew it.
All that it left in its wake were the ruined antiques that the room stored.
Behind Alois, she heard something tall topple over.
But, the only thing Camilla noticed was the power in the arms that held her.