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âŚHave you ever hated something from the bottom of your heart?
I didnât know what to answer upon hearing Saint Matiaâs voice. I sensed a slight pain surrounding my lungs.
What kind of words did Matia want from me? In the first place, it was unusual for her to speak about her emotions. She often rejected actions based on emotions alone. For her, calculation, strategies and knowledge were the foundation of her role as Saint. Anyways, what kind of face should I show now?
What was happening? Matia kept her face down, quivering timidly like a young girl.
ăâŚYeah, I have. If you live as a human being, whether it is hate or love, there will be times where you have to hug those sorts of emotions.ă
I sat deeply in the chair and distorted my lips. I felt a fever in my eyes.
For a moment, several thoughts came to my mind. How could I say that I have never had hatred in my chest during my whole life?
That was something no one knew except me. The dark emotions I once had that I couldnât tell anyone at all.
Only I could deceive others. Actually, I had no intention of turning my back on it and denying it. After all, those dark emotions were undoubtedly the source of what once moved me.
When Matia heard my words, it seemed that the tension in her body had eased a little. Matia replied while holding my hand with both hands. Her face was still lying down.
ăIâm ashamed to say that I have it too. How can I embrace something that I hate?ă
If I told myself that I was ashamed of my temporary feelings, I would become a ridiculously embarrassing person.
Indeed, it may be contraindicated for the Saint to have such feelings. After all, the Heraldic Saint was a symbol of wisdom and reason. The person who showed unstable emotions was considered as someone unworthy of the title of Saint.
Nonetheless, no matter how much one tried to suppress it, hatred and anger would surely come to your mind once or twice afterwards. As she said, Matia had a voice that crawled on the ground and tried to consume her chest.
ăEven if I think I shouldnât dwell about it, it just tries to bring me downâŚItâs getting bigger and bigger these days, and itâs likely that it will burst.ă
I naturally opened my eyes wide and raised my eyebrows upon hearing Matiaâs words. Matia didnât try to raise her face.
I felt that Matiaâs hands holding my hand had a little power.
ăâŚIs it about the Great Holy Church?ă
I spoke, trying to cut the silence that came into the tent. Matiaâs long hair swayed and I heard her sighing in response. She instinctively bit her lips hard.
I see. That should be it. Rather, why did she not realize it until now? What was going on in her head that kept her from avoiding that hate?
The Great Holy Church was the worst enemy of the Heraldic Order. For a long time, the Heraldic Order had been deprived of land, deprecated of its doctrine and dignity by the Great Holy Church.
No matter where you were, there was persecution. For the Heraldic believers, being struck by stones was the ânormalâ in their everyday lives.
That was even right for the person who took care of me when I was a baby, Ms. Ninz. While hiding the fact that she belonged to the Heraldic religion, she continued to behave as someone from the Cathedral who managed the orphanage for a long time. If she openly called herself as a believer of the Heraldic religion, she would lose her position in a blink of an eye.
Why did Matia, the Heraldic Saint, once have to hide in the underground temple? It shouldnât be just because she was plotting to attack Garoua Maria.
She, my current partner, was forced to suffer for a long time. The clear enemy was now in a place that could be reached by the extending spear. Even if she was the Saint Matia, I felt there was nothing wrong in having those sorts of dark emotions swallowing her chest.
This battlefield had a completely different meaning than the battles at Garoua Maria and Ghazalia. Taking the scale into consideration, the opponent, who was extremely hostile, was neither city soldiers nor elves. The opponent was unquestionably the Great Holy Church itself.
It was a very heavy and crucial reality. I should have noticed it. I made a creaking sound in the back teeth.
Matia clenched my hand and professed the following words with a strong pounding heart. She could not longer fit those emotions in her chest and were forcibly spilled out of her mouth.
ăHave you seen the treatment that the Heraldic people receive in rural areas? The men are forced to work as serfs without a break. They have to continue this hellish life even beaten and malnourished. The women had no choice but to please other men until they are no longer needed and left to die.ă
She spoke straightforward words. Still, her tone was both frightening and quivering. It was my first time seeing this kind of behavior from Matia.
I had never seen her so emotional, except when she was truly angry at me. Matiaâs appearance was strangely small, and I was beginning to see through her soul.
ăDuring the bad times, most of my people were treated as livestock. They laughed at them and despised them. They even trampled on their faith.ă
Matiaâs body and voice quivered so much, but she continued to speak hard. She was even driven by some sense of duty that she truly had to do so.
ăAs a Saint, when I liberated them, theyâŚThey were no longer my people. Actually, they were no longer humans.ă
âThey were no longer humans.â I couldnât ask what that meant.
To be honest, I didnât have proper words to give to Matia. What could I say to her after speaking with a grieving voice with the face down?
I was sure she had endured everything on her own until now. She never expressed her emotions aloud. Her voice and her attitude always seemed to be austere. She had been killing her emotions, which one could say they were like a grudge, deep inside of her chest. She did it in her name, as the Saint.
She collapsed a little today. Her eyes caught the enemyâs shadow, and she couldnât control her emotions anymore.
Then, she couldnât help but spit it out in front of me. Why? I was not a member or a believer of the Heraldic Order. I was not someone that neither judged nor humiliated other peopleâs hidden emotions. Thatâs all.
ăâŚI apologize. Until nowâŚI was able to keep it down. But, only todayâŚI have to make this one exception.ă
As Matia said, this moment was probably just for today. Tomorrow, Matia must wear the Saintâs mask, all the time.
Matia was not a weak person who was always lying on the ground. She was not a person like me who kept having stupid anguish.
I felt that her hands were slightly relaxed. The air was shaking as the voice continued to quiver. She wasnât speaking in an orderly manner.
In the darkness, the moonlight was shining into the tent. Matiaâs hands gently left my hand.
This time, I was the one to grab Matiaâs distant hands.
I almost had no words to speak. Her grieving was real. However, I should be allowed to hold her hands back when my companion was lying down and sobbing. No, it didnât matter whether it was allowed or not.
ăToday, my teacher told me that I was wicked just as him. Iâm a cruel person who doesnât really care whether a person dies or lives for my own sake.ă
I could not deny that fact. To tell the truth, what I did in the slums of Garoua Maria, and in Ghazalia where it involved Eldith, was something that I did for my sake. I even âthrewâ some people into the graveyard.
It was unreasonable for me to act like a person of justice or a good person now. It was still better to be called cruel or villain.
So, I was sure that maybe Matia thought that I was a person who didnât care much about her story, that I was a person who could not sympathize with the heat in her chest.
ăThen, as the Great Holy Church say I might be truly the Lord of Vice. What a funny story.ă
Matiaâs body quivered right in front of my eyes while listening closely to my words.
I held Matiaâs hands even stronger. I stared straight at her face, which was suddenly raised up.
ăHowever, if you still put faith in this body of mine, then I will instead entrust my life to you. I will swing my sword as a hero.ă
For a moment, Matia loosened her expression while blinking her eyes as if she was bewitched. Her face showed a very beautiful expression that I had never seen before. Her little lips gently created small waves.
âŚCan you help me, Lugis?
Matia spoke to me in a quivering voice that lingered somewhere. I noticed that her hands were squeezing mine back.
âŚIâll gladly do it if thatâs your wish.
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